IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

***In many countries, a small number of people earn extremely high salaries. Some people believe that this is good for the country, but others think that governments should not allow salaries above a certain level. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.***

#***in #countries #people #salaries #country #governments #level
In
this
 day and age,
people
 have different views on how the government should deal with citizens' salaries.
While
 there are some good arguments in favour of the view that they should limit their
people
's
income
, I would argue that having a different range of salaries is more advantageous. On the one hand, there is a growing belief that it is important for the government to limit
people
's
income
 to a certain level. The first reason is that if
this
 is done, it could foster a sense of equality in terms of money, which makes many individuals belonging to the lower class more confident.
This
 phenomenon can serve as a means to hinder competitive minds and create a harmonious environment, allowing every member of society to work together toward better goals.
Secondly
, many advocates of
this
 view argue that a better society could be created, with less suffering regarding financial burden for workers.
For instance
, many communist countries hold
this
 perspective in high regard,
nevertheless
, there is no evidence proving its outcome until now.
On the other hand
, giving no restrictions to workers' salaries could open up numerous opportunities for both governments and individuals.
Firstly
,
people
 should receive a salary equivalent to what they contribute, making workers dedicate more to their jobs.
For instance
, in Vietnam, many organizations often offer their outstanding employees medals and extra money, which is proven to encourage their spirits. Another reason is that
people
 are allowed to gain as much
income
 as they want, which would contribute to an increase in a nation's GDP. As the economy of the country improves, its reputation will
also
 be enhanced, allowing the to build strong relationships with big countries and open up valuable opportunities for the whole nation. In conclusion,
although
 both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that allowing individuals to have an
income
 which is equivalent to their effort could be more beneficial to the national economy.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

advice
Overall, your essay does a good job of addressing the prompt and providing both sides of the argument. However, you could benefit from a few improvements: 1. Task Response: While your argument is clear, some points lack depth. Explain more about the advantages and drawbacks in a more detailed way with specific examples. 2. Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay generally flows well, but there are moments when the transition between ideas could be smoother. Use more transitional phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' 'On the contrary,' etc., to better connect your points. 3. Language: There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, like 'the to build strong relationships.' These don't significantly affect the meaning but polishing them will improve readability.
content
The essay presents a well-structured argument with a clear introduction and conclusion.
content
The arguments are balanced, and both sides of the debate are considered.
content
Your examples, although they could be more detailed, effectively illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: