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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries today,the eating habits and lifestyles of children are different from those of previous generation.some people say this have had a negative effect on their health.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #habits #lifestyles #children #generation #people #effect #health
Some people assert that personal preferences in
food
 and hobbies of
children
 have adversely changed, affecting their
health
 stance from the
last
 decades onward all over the world
due to
 the abundance of fast
food
 in conjunction with the
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 advancement to which I firmly agree.
To begin
 with, today's choice of
food
 is very extensive,
however
 the most appealing for an offspring is junk
food
 because it is cooked faster and tastes better.
Although
 the process of cooking junk
food
 is rapid
nevertheless
 it tastes sweeter because of the artificial
food
 additives that intensify the taste of
food
, and worsen the well-being of
children
's bodies in light of wholesome microelements deprivation which are so needed to youngsters.
Furthermore
, an array of young individuals suffer from consuming fast and instant
food
 in terms of diseases
such
 as obesity, and correspondingly, mitigate their
health
 condition.
Moreover
, it is
also
 striking that revolutionized technology has a severe impact on the young generation in the sense of having more time spent on the computer rather than being involved in outdoor activities.
For instance
,
while
 growing
children
's bodies demand outdoor activity in order to obtain indispensable vitamins
such
 as vitamin B which is collected from the sun, a lot of adolescents prefer staying at home, and getting off the computer.
This
 is the reason why
such
 devices as laptops, and smartphones are the cause of lessening
children
's
health
. To recap the aforementioned, I am profoundly on the same page with the group of people who claim that
children
's
health
 has altered negatively from the past generations owing to an abundance of unhealthy
food
 and developed technology.
Submitted by kirkagoglesmail on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but a bit more context could improve it. Try to briefly present both sides of the argument before stating your opinion.
coherence cohesion
While your points are generally clear, there are some minor issues with sentence structure that can impede understanding. Simplifying sentences could help make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your supporting points are logically ordered within the paragraph.
task achievement
You’ve provided specific examples to support your argument, which strengthens your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with clear main points presented in separate paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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