IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries today,the eating habits and lifestyles of children are different from those of previous generation.some people say this have had a negative effect on their health.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #habits #lifestyles #children #generation #people #effect #health
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Some people assert that personal preferences in
food
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 and hobbies of
children
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 have adversely changed, affecting their
health
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 stance from the
last
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 decades onward all over the world
due to
Linking Words
 the abundance of fast
food
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 in conjunction with the
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 advancement to which I firmly agree.
To begin
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 with, today's choice of
food
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 is very extensive,
however
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 the most appealing for an offspring is junk
food
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 because it is cooked faster and tastes better.
Although
Linking Words
 the process of cooking junk
food
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 is rapid
nevertheless
Linking Words
 it tastes sweeter because of the artificial
food
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 additives that intensify the taste of
food
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, and worsen the well-being of
children
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's bodies in light of wholesome microelements deprivation which are so needed to youngsters.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, an array of young individuals suffer from consuming fast and instant
food
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 in terms of diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, and correspondingly, mitigate their
health
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 condition.
Moreover
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, it is
also
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 striking that revolutionized technology has a severe impact on the young generation in the sense of having more time spent on the computer rather than being involved in outdoor activities.
For instance
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,
while
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 growing
children
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's bodies demand outdoor activity in order to obtain indispensable vitamins
such
Linking Words
 as vitamin B which is collected from the sun, a lot of adolescents prefer staying at home, and getting off the computer.
This
Linking Words
 is the reason why
such
Linking Words
 devices as laptops, and smartphones are the cause of lessening
children
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's
health
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. To recap the aforementioned, I am profoundly on the same page with the group of people who claim that
children
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's
health
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 has altered negatively from the past generations owing to an abundance of unhealthy
food
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 and developed technology.
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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but a bit more context could improve it. Try to briefly present both sides of the argument before stating your opinion.
coherence cohesion
While your points are generally clear, there are some minor issues with sentence structure that can impede understanding. Simplifying sentences could help make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your supporting points are logically ordered within the paragraph.
task achievement
You’ve provided specific examples to support your argument, which strengthens your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with clear main points presented in separate paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Fast food consumption
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Nutritional deficiencies
  • Home-cooked meals
  • Balanced diet
  • Obesity rates
  • Childhood diabetes
  • Physical activity
  • Processed foods
  • Convenience foods
  • Unhealthy snacks
  • Outdoor play
  • Mental health implications
  • Time constraints
  • Preservatives and additives
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