IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that what children is their behaviour. other leave the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is no doubt that our personalities are judged by the behaviour or discipline we portray in front of others. But
this
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 is not true in the case of children as they are in their growing phase and waiting for their personalities and maturity to develop. So to stereotype them is not a reliable approach. To
also
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 claim that every
child
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 is influenced by television is
also
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 wrong. In
this
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 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 will discuss both views and estate my opinion.
Firstly
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, a
child
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 has a whole life ahead of him which he will be groomed both physically and mentally. His appearance will change and so will his thinking.
For instance
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, if a kid is mischievous or likes to play around it will not dictate the fact that he will grow up to be the same person
likewise
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 if an adult is not obeying the law or not leading a straight life
this
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 does not reflect that he was disobedient in his childhood. Moving on to the alter view, it is true that TV has a great influence on a kid's brain and the shows or videos he watches will reflect in his behaviour as well.
for example
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, there has been a survey in the USA which shows that the children who watch action movies displayed more aggression than the children who stick to watching cartoons only.
Moreover
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, it depends on the time a
child
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 is spending in front of a screen. Doctor Robert Frost dean of Las Vegas University said " A
child
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 should only be allowed to spend a maximum of 45 minutes in front of the screen in the whole day". In conclusion, it is a topic divided by two different opinions, One side believes that a
child
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 is what he displays and others believe that they are more influenced by television. I agree with the fact that a
child
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 perpetrates what he sees and learns. So in my
Correct your spelling
opinion
oipnion
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oipnion,
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 the TV screen
have
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has
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 more impact on a
child
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's behaviour.

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task achievement
Try to better clarify the main points in your essay. For example, explicitly state how the supporting details connect to the broader argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you are consistently using formal language and proper punctuation. For instance, 'i' should be 'I', and avoid contractions like 'he's'.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to small grammatical issues such as articles ('the TV screen' instead of 'a TV screen') to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a solid conclusion, which provides a rounded discussion of the topic.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant examples, such as the survey in the USA and the statement from Dr. Robert Frost, which support the main points of discussion.
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