IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In most countries, prison is the most common solution when people commit a crime. However, if they were to receive better education, it could prevent them from becoming criminals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #prison #people #crime #education #criminals
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In most nations, jail is the most typical solution when individuals commit lawbreaking.
However
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, some argue that if they were given a better
education
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, it could hinder them from becoming criminals. I partially agree with
this
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 view since the main problems with the high rate of violations are not only the lack of
education
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 but
also
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 the economic reasons.
To begin
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 with,
education
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 plays an important role in a person's life. By having knowledge of both soft skills and hard skills, most people can find a proper job to make a better living.
For example
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, higher
education
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 professionals can easily apply to bigger companies, which will compensate them with a higher salary.
On the other hand
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, lower school grades have only narrow options for occupations as blue-collar workers.
However
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, if access to knowledge is off-limit to poor people, in the end, they will find many ways to survive life, including doing the felony act just to meet their everyday needs. The gap in economic status is the most common problem that needs to be addressed.
For instance
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, the police records of higher illegal acts are usually found in slum areas. They stole food or money to buy food, or they gambled in order to get instant fortune but ended up more miserable. In conclusion,
although
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education
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 has become one of the most significant factors in reducing criminality, access to it is
also
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 important. In
this
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 case, the government should take action to make
education
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 accessible to all levels of citizens
while
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 improving economic equality in every region of the country.
Submitted by cipi.magdalena on

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task achievement
The essay could be improved by making the thesis statement clearer in the introduction. Currently, the introduction suggests that education and economic reasons are both contributing factors but does not clearly state that education alone is insufficient. Clarifying this position would strengthen the task response.
coherence cohesion
In the second body paragraph, the transition between discussing education and economic disparity could be smoother. Introducing economic reasons more clearly as another critical factor at the beginning of the paragraph will improve coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the prompt, addressing the multiple dimensions of the issue: both education and economic reasons.
task achievement
The argument is supported with specific and relevant examples, such as the disparity in job opportunities and crime rates in slum areas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Each main point discussed in the body paragraphs is well-supported with explanations, enhancing the essay's overall structure.
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