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Writing Samples
Band 6

Solving environmental problems should be the responsibility of an international organization rather than each national government. Do you agree or disagree

#responsibility #organization #government
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Nowadays a lot of
countries
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 suffer from environmental pollution. A crowd of
people
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 think that international organizations must care about
this
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,
while
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 I believe that
this
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 problem should be solved by the
government
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 of each
country
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 in each
country
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 respectively. The first point is the skills of an international
group
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. It is obvious that only
one
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group
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 even full of
people
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 can not protect the whole world. Actually, they already doing it. Because, all presidents of
countries
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 are already in
one
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group
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, which is called the
government
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.
However
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, they all doing it by themselves.
Furthermore
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, not all
country
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 clear as others.
For instance
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, India has environmental issues. The main of
this
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 is the amount of
people
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. India is in the top five dirty
countries
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.
This
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 issue will be the responsibility of the international
group
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, only when all
countries
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 are clear and can afford to give
this
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 task from the national
government
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 to the international organizations. The second point is the changing any details of the
country
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. The reason for
this
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, putting all
countries
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 in
one
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 box. Obviously, if there is only
one
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group
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 of
government
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,
then
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 the rules for
people
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 will be similar.
In contrast
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, the mentality and traditions of
countries
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 are not the same.
For example
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, the Japanese like to eat insects.
While
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 the residents of
countries
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such
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 as Russia can not represent it. And there are a lot of other traditions. A simple example is Kazakh
people
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 burn the grass to protect themselves from wolves. And there is any possibility of having restrictions for
people
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 who like eating meat. In conclusion, having everything mentioned up we can say that
this
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 will be the worst and not the correct decision.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

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clarity
Clarify your arguments further. Some points, such as the issue of environmental cleanliness with respect to India's population and the Kazakh tradition of burning grass, need more explanation to make their relevance clear.
cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, by using cohesive devices like furthermore, in addition, however, etc.
examples
Provide more specific examples and evidence. You mentioned India and Japan but giving more specific data or instances would strengthen your argument.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, main body, and conclusion.
unique points
You have interesting points such as the uniqueness of each country's situation and traditions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • environmental degradation
  • nation's jurisdiction
  • international collaboration
  • global response
  • coordinated effort
  • enforcing environmental laws
  • sharing best practices
  • innovations and technologies
  • critical resources and knowledge
  • international agreements
  • equitable distribution
  • accountability
  • oversight
  • local context
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