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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

🔶In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. 🔸What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#🔶in #cultures #children #🔸what #message
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Pareting
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Parenting
 is
a hard work
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hard work
a hard job
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 and we agree that parents always want the best for their
children
, most of them
and
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apply
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depending
of
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on
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 their culture they used to teach
to
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apply
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infants how to encourage themselves in hard moments.
During
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In
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this
essay
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essay,
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 I will expose the
advatanges
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advantages
 and disadvantages of
told to
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telling
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children
 that they can achieve anything if they try hard
enought
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enough
. On one hand, the advantages of
this
behavior
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behaviour
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 are that
boost
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boosts
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 a child's self-worth and confidence,
also
, motivates
to
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them to
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 set ambitious goals, fostering a growth mindset.
For instance
, Mariana PajĂłn is
reconized
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recognised
 in
media
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the media
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 as
"Queen
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the "Queen
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 of BMX", when she was a little girl her parents and coach taught her to be strong,
perseverance
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perseverant
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, self-esteem,
confidence
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and confidence
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 and among others,
that
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apply
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strengthened her mindset at a young age. Now, she has been
two-time
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a two-time
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 Olympic Champion.
On the other hand
, the
disadvatanges
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disadvantages
 are more related to think what happen if you can achieve your goal
?.
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.
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 Boys and girls
,
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apply
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 could create unrealistic expectations.
Thus
, the results will never match efforts. In
adittion
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addition
, mental health will
be affect
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be affected
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 by stress and burnout because they are young people most of the time they are not
goin
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going
 to be prepared how to
managed
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manage
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 the stress derived from disappointment. To give an example, nowadays is known that
children
 want to be influencers,
such
 as Lele Pons and they want to have all that Lele Pons shows on media, but,
what
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apply
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children
 don't what path they have to follow.
To conclude
,
children
 need to have
enought
Correct your spelling
enough
 tools to manage their feelings and parents should be with them in
all
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apply
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the process to be aware of them, giving
to
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apply
show examples
them
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 related to the goals that they want to achieve.
Submitted by mariajoser3 on

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grammar
Try to avoid spelling and grammatical errors such as 'advatanges' and 'used to teach to infants.' Proofreading can help identify these mistakes.
clarity
Improve sentence clarity and structure. For instance, 'most of them and depending of their culture they used to teach to infants' can be revised to 'many parents, depending on their culture, often teach their children.'
examples
While you provide relevant examples, ensure they align closely with the point being made and elaborate slightly more to emphasize their relevance.
transitions
Ensure smooth transitions between points. Using transition words like 'Additionally,' 'Therefore,' or 'Moreover,' can help maintain logical flow.
content
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of the topic quite comprehensively.
examples
You have used relevant examples, like that of Mariana PajĂłn and Lele Pons, which help illustrate your points well.
conclusion
The conclusion summarizes key points effectively, providing a clear closing statement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • obstacles
  • ambitious goals
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • stress
  • burnout
  • external factors
  • socio-economic status
  • resources
  • opportunities
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