IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small. local business are unable to compete. some people think that the closure of local business will bring death of the local communities. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#development #expansion #supermarkets #countries #business #people #closure #death #communities
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There is an argument that local
stores
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 will be forced to close because of
difficulty
Correct article usage
the difficulty
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to survive
Change preposition
of surviving
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due to
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 the massive innovation and expansion of hypermarkets in several places around the world. I personally agree that the local markets experience a death closure and I will elaborate more on
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, supermarkets usually offer cheaper
prices
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 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
small
stores
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. As huge shopping marts provide more complete goods and a larger area, customers prefer to purchase
to
Change preposition
at
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 these places. Owing to
this
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 phenomenon, the hypermarkets can provide more affordable
prices
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.
For example
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, Giant, a famous huge grocery store in Indonesia, often have discount
prices
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in
Change preposition
on
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 certain days,
such
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 as weekends.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 shopping mart
also
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 has its own parking lots which attracts more customers because of its comfortable space.
Whereas
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, as
an independent
Correct the article-noun agreement
independent stores
an independent store
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stores
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, local marts usually have higher
prices
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.
As a result
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, more people choose bigger
stores
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 as their go-to marts.
Secondly
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, the huge shopping
stores
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 have
wider
Add an article
a wider
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 range of
products
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 variety. As a part of a big company, supermarkets could offer better
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products'
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products
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 qualities and more quantities. The big convenience
stores
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 with many varieties can be
such
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 a go-to mart for many people in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
For instance
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, Transmart, the company competitor of Giant, provide various
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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, it does not only
offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
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 home groceries
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 offers fashion and beauty
products
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. Meanwhile, local
stores
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 offer limited goods because it is more product-segmented.
Therefore
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, many individuals prefer to shop in bigger
stores
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 for monthly shopping. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
supermarkets
Change the noun form
supermarket
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 development
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 likely to make the local shops
death
Replace the word
die
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 in terms of having more affordable and complete
products
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, try using more varied transition words and phrases. This will help link your ideas more smoothly. For example, instead of repeating 'Firstly' and 'Secondly,' try alternatives like 'To begin with' or 'In addition.'
coherence cohesion
Make sure your conclusion reiterates the main points of the essay briefly to reinforce your argument. Currently, it introduces new ideas about affordability and completeness in a somewhat abrupt manner.
task achievement
To provide a complete response to the task, consider addressing any potential counterarguments to strengthen your position. This will show a more balanced understanding of the issue.
task achievement
You have provided specific examples like 'Giant' and 'Transmart', which add credibility and relevance to your arguments.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and well-developed, particularly the points about pricing advantages and product variety in supermarkets.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier to follow your reasoning.
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