Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problem. Sugary products should be made more people to encourage people to consume less sugar.

According to
some, several nutriment items
such
as, juice, chocolate
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc things
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
up with excessive
Sugar
.
Hence
, it
convey
Change the verb form
conveys
show examples
inflated problems in
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
, I firmly believe that making
sugar
expensive would be a mistake.
Sugar
is
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
use
Replace the word
used
show examples
ingredient in every household,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
sugar
also
works as
an
Change the article
a
show examples
drug in
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
cases.
To begin
with, commencing with the most prominent reason
sugar
is
basic
Add an article
a basic
the basic
show examples
need for every individual in a household.
In addition
, soaring
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
regardless can impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
show examples
import and export duty taxes.
However
, to relief from sky-high sugary products government can spread awareness,
for instance
,
compeigning
Correct your spelling
campaigning
complaining
on social media,
billboad
Correct your spelling
billboard
billboards
furthermore
, targeting pupils by visiting Schools and giving
an
Change the article
a
show examples
sugar
relief speech on parade. Another reason why I
appose
Correct your spelling
oppose
show examples
the given statement.
Sugar
is
also
used as
an
Change the article
a
show examples
medicine
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
numerous hospitals.The overpriced can lead to expensive treatment which could be harmful for poor individuals to afford it.
Such
as,
sugury
Correct your spelling
surgery
sugary
release
Fix the agreement mistake
releases
show examples
dopamine which
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
to maximize our Survival as
species
Correct article usage
a species
show examples
and
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
our brain empowerment.
Therefore
,
State
Add an article
the State
show examples
government should provide welfare benefits to
below standard
Add a hyphen
below-standard
show examples
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
,
for
this
reason
Add the comma(s)
reason,
show examples
they can
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
get valuable treatment without consequences. In brief,
Sugar
is
beneficial
Correct article usage
a beneficial
show examples
and
necessity
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
ingredient for every human being to service.
In contrast
, it could be harmful depending upon
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
consumption. In order to be less addictive,
Correct article usage
the governement
show examples
governement
Correct your spelling
government
should ban ads on
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
when
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
are on there for
Correct article usage
a specfic
show examples
specfic
Correct your spelling
specific
period of time.
Submitted by tushalk329 on

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coherence cohesion
You should work on organizing your essay more logically. Start with a clear introduction to the topic and your stance, and then develop your ideas in separate paragraphs with clear topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is present, which is good. However, it could be stronger and more clearly related to the arguments you’ve presented. Summarize the main points and tie them back to the essay prompt.
task achievement
Ensure each main point you make is fully supported with clear examples or explanations. This will help to strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Review your grammar and sentence construction. There are several errors that make your ideas difficult to follow. Working on this will make your essay clearer and more professional.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides reasons for your point of view.
coherence cohesion
You have included a conclusion in your essay, which is an important aspect.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: