IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There are two different perspectives on how
children
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's leisure
time
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 should be set. Some argue that
parents
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 are responsible for organizing it but others say that it is up to
children
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. In
this
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 essay, I will provide both points of view regarding these contentions.
Firstly
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, the advantage of having
parents
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 organize their
kids
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' free
time
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 is
parents
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 are able to fully control or supervise their
kids
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while
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 they are playing outside.
For example
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, sometimes when
kids
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 are having fun with their friends without any supervision, they probably imitate what their friends say. If their friends say bad words there is a possibility that
kids
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 are influenced to do so. They still do not have the ability to distinguish whether the words are appropriate to say or not. So, the controlling role of
parents
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 here is crucial.
However
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, if
parents
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 have too much control over their
kids
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, it is worried that they put too much pressure on the
kids
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 since offspring are restricted from doing activities they like in
the
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their
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 free
time
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 or even are not allowed at all. Certainly,
this
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 will limit them to explore new experiences.
In addition
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,
parents
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 are often too strict about their
children
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's schedules.
As a result
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, they set up too many activities.
For instance
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,
kids
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 are obliged to do swimming, musical, or mathematics courses after school.
This
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 will cause
kids
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 to feel overwhelmed. They are stressed by school assignments yet they should do other lessons which probably they do not like. In conclusion, I firmly agree that
children
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 should be left alone in their free
time
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. Let them have some fun and choose what they adore the most so that they will acknowledge themselves better and enhance their hobbies.

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, ensure you discuss both viewpoints thoroughly before providing a clear, strong statement of your own viewpoint; this creates a balanced argument. Incorporate more examples and analyses into your essay to clarify and support your views.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, focus on enhancing the flow and connection between paragraphs and ideas. This can be achieved through better use of linking phrases and transition words. Also, ensure your essay structure is logical, leading the reader smoothly from introduction, through the body, to the conclusion.
Language
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and to ensure variety in sentence structures. Utilizing a range of sentence types and vocabulary will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate language proficiency.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
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