IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problem. Sugary products should be made more people to encourage people to consume less sugar To extent more, do you agree or disagree with the statement.

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
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According to
 some, several nutriment items
such
 as juice, chocolate etc things come up with excessive
Sugar
.
Hence
, it conveys inflated problems in the body, I firmly believe that making
sugar
 expensive would be a mistake.
Sugar
 is a daily used ingredient in every household, meanwhile,
sugar
also
 works as a drug in a few cases.
To begin
 with, commencing with the most prominent reason
sugar
 is a basic need for every individual in a household.
In addition
, soaring prices regardless can impact countries' import and export duty taxes.
However
, to relieve from sky-high sugary products government can spread awareness,
for instance
, by campaigning on social media, billboard
furthermore
, targeting pupils by visiting Schools and giving a
sugar
 relief speech on parade. Another reason why I oppose the given statement.
Sugar
 is
also
 used as a medicine in numerous hospitals.The overpriced can lead to expensive treatment which could be harmful for poor individuals to afford it.
Such
 as, surgery releases dopamine which helps to maximize our Survival as a species and enhances our brain empowerment.
Therefore
, the State government should provide welfare benefits to below-standard people,
for
this
 reason, they can
also
 get valuable treatment without consequences. In brief,
Sugar
 is a beneficial and necessary ingredient for every human being to service.
In contrast
, it could be harmful depending upon individual consumption. In order to be less addictive, the government should ban ads on TV when children are on there for a specific period of time,
this
 will help children to be aware of sugary items.
Submitted by tushalk329 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but some points could be more clearly articulated. Ensure you clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the statement.
coherence cohesion
Improve your essay structure by clarifying your main points and organizing your ideas more logically. Use clear paragraphs for each main point and include linking phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Work on providing more concrete and specific examples to support your points. This will help make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines your position unambiguously.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position in a succinct manner. Ensure it is well-aligned with the content of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant points about the importance of sugar in daily life and its use in medical treatments.
task achievement
You have suggested practical methods to raise awareness about the dangers of excessive sugar consumption, such as social media campaigns and school visits.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and a conclusion. These sections are important for providing a structure to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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