IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #first #child #age
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These days, global lifestyles are diverse from the prior
time
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.
For instance
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, a large group of
people
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 like to spend a great deal of
time
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 for themselves;
then
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 when they become older, they will get married and have
children
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.
While
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this
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 evidence has a lot of drawbacks, I still believe that it cannot overshadow the benefits. Communities have several reasons for having the first child when they are adults.
Initially
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, most young
people
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 do not have much money to buy elementary things that they need;
as a result
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, they have to find a job;
then
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 after a long
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time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 they have access to good lives which can buy a range of things that they need. The second one is that young generations like to find partners who are rich, so they should spend too much
time
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 on it. On the one hand, old populations who have a first child have a majority of merits.
Firstly
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, these kinds of
children
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 have families who have so much money that can fund their
children
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.
In other words
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, they can buy a lot of gadgets which help
children
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 to learn a range of things to become a beneficial person for countries.
Secondly
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, these parents have good experience that can be transferred to their
children
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 to not waste their
time
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 on them.
On the other hand
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, the demerits of having a first child for the elderly are so varied. On the one side, these kinds of
children
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 most of the
time
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 are only
children
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;
hence
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, they are not able to connect with other
people
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 really soon. On the other side, when they become teenagers, they ought to take care of their old mother and father; in fact, they do not have a lot of free
time
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.
To conclude
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, when
people
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 become older they have not only a large amount of money but
also
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 good experiences that can aid their
children
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 to have perfect lives;
therefore
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, in my opinion, the good points of an old population with young
children
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 can eclipse the bad points.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Try to develop your ideas further to make your argument more convincing. For instance, instead of just stating that older parents have more money, provide specific examples or explanations of how this benefits the child's upbringing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas within the paragraph support this main idea. This will improve the logical structure of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to use transition words and phrases more effectively to link your ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help improve the flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, giving a clear overview of your argument and summarizing your points effectively.
complete response
Your essay addresses both parts of the task, providing reasons why people choose to have children at an older age and discussing the advantages and disadvantages.
supported main points
You present valid points to support both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view and considering different perspectives.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career aspirations
  • professional development
  • financial stability
  • personal fulfillment
  • higher levels of education
  • societal shift
  • parenting age
  • developed countries
  • socially acceptable
  • medical advancements
  • fertility treatments
  • conceive at a later age
  • delayed parenthood
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