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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

#countries #people #work #travel #year #school #university #studies
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It's true that teenagers who have graduated from high school should take on some
activities
, like working or travelling, for a year before they continue their university education. Regarding
this
 issue, I would like to discuss how
this
 action will provide both benefits and drawbacks for young individuals. On the one side, doing some work or travel may drive some beneficial things and gain some experiences for teenagers related to exploring their interests and upgrading their
skills
.
Initially
, working in some sectors can help them to explore their interest in a particular subject and it will help them to choose what subject they want to study on campus. To illustrate, doing vocational work in the construction sector will introduce
as well as
 increase the interest of young men in civil engineering.
In addition
, having some travelling
activities
 can give teenagers vast experiences to improve their
skills
, like a foreign language.
For example
, visiting another country like France, Germany or China will be able to increase their confidence and ability to speak another language like French, German or Chinese.
However
,
besides
 providing many advantages, delaying study
also
 will encourage some disadvantages for young humans. In our society, most of the jobs can not be done for non-skilled people. In detail, high school graduates do not have any proper
skills
 yet to do a particular job and regarding
this
 situation, employers will not consider them to join or probably will accept them to do a non-skilled job with
a low salaries
Correct the article-noun agreement
low salaries
a low salary
show examples
,
such
 as a kitchen hand, and public area cleaner.
Furthermore
, travelling to numerous places have to spend a huge amount of money,
whereas
 young people still ask for money from their parents. To do these
activities
, people will expend money to pay for transportation
as well as
 accommodation. In conclusion,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young individuals who do some work or travel for a moment before continuing
further
 education will provide some benefits including upgrading their interest and
skills
 as well,
however
, some drawbacks may
also
 need to be considered before students choose to do those
activities
. .
Submitted by carolwan18 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to maintain better coherence.
task achievement
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples in your essay, which helped illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural immersion
  • Life experience
  • Work ethic
  • Career readiness
  • Self-discovery
  • Delayed gratification
  • Intellectual stagnation
  • Financial implications
  • Social dynamics
  • Academic trajectory
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