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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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There are positive and negative
developments
Use synonyms
 in the case that many
children
Use synonyms
 are using their mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for more than hours .
For example
Linking Words
,
positive
Change preposition
in positive
show examples
 development,
children
Use synonyms
 are researching some interesting facts. Despite
this
Linking Words
, some
children
Use synonyms
 are already addicted to playing games or watching social media on their
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, there are some negative
developments
Use synonyms
 in the case that
children
Use synonyms
 are using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. First of all, using
phones
Use synonyms
 makes
children
Use synonyms
's eyes worse and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 eye more
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
.
Moreover
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, it is unhealthy for
children
Use synonyms
's bodies.
Furthermore
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, when
children
Use synonyms
 are using
phones
Use synonyms
 they begin to become addicted to using
phones
Use synonyms
 and can not stop it in the future.
This
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 means that they can not stop using
phones
Use synonyms
 even during studying or during working time.
On the other hand
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, there are positive
developments
Use synonyms
 too.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can get the skill to research the question that
children
Use synonyms
 want to know which is helpful for the future.
For example
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, they can research anything they want and they can find more info and write some research papers.
Additionally
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, it is helpful to know the news or info about what is happening in the world and be able to connect with social media.
To sum up
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, there are some positive and negative
developments
Use synonyms
 in the case of using a
phone
Use synonyms
 ,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 using a
phone
Use synonyms
 is helpful to understand the world,
however
Linking Words
, it makes the eye
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
bad.
IN
Correct your spelling
In
show examples
 my opinion, I think the use of
phones
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 is a negative development.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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task achievement
Make sure your main points are clearly supported with relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your work to correct minor grammatical errors and improve clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Consider expanding on your introduction and conclusion to make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Clear separation of positive and negative developments in the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
A decent logical flow between paragraphs which makes the essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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