IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent times, educational institutions have provided their
students
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 variety of processed
foods
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 and sweetened drinks for them to buy in order to get a high profit.
This
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 essay believes that the development of
this
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 activity will have a negative impact on
students
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' health, and will raise their
parents
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' financial problems.
To begin
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 with,
school
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 is the place for every pupil to learn and develop skills for their future.
This
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 means
school
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 plays an important role in guiding their
students
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 in life. Selling unhealthy
foods
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 and drinks to them simply because of money will vanish the image of
school
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 as a moral institution.
This
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 will
also
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 lead to children having health issues
such
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 as obesity and weakened immune systems.
For instance
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, many canteens in public schools sell high prices of unhealthy
foods
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such
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 as french fries and burgers to the
students
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 in order to get more money.
In addition
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,
this
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 issue will
also
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 give
financial
Correct article usage
a financial
show examples
 burden to the
parents
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 if their kids end up being hospitalized
due to
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 the illness that was caused by dirty
foods
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 in the
school
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 canteen. Many families with lower economic status will have to go through the hardships of paying the hospital bill. To illustrate, a lot of
parents
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 who work as a farmer still have hospital debts for their children's illnesses. In conclusion, I believe that the
school
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 is wrong to manipulate their
students
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 to buy unhealthy
foods
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 and sugary drinks for their own benefit.
This
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 practice needs to be stopped because it will affect the student's health and cause financial problems for their
parents
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.

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task achievement
Strengthen the examples to provide more concrete evidence supporting the main points. Specific statistics or studies could be mentioned to reinforce arguments.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the connection between paragraphs with more transition phrases and logical bridges. While the essay flows reasonably well, some transitions can feel abrupt.
task achievement
Clear and concise argument; the essay's stance on the topic is well-articulated throughout.
coherence cohesion
Good structure with an effective introduction and conclusion that reiterate the main points.
coherence cohesion
Main points are logically organized and adequately supported with relevant arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • nutritional value
  • dietary habits
  • obesity epidemic
  • long-term health
  • balanced diet
  • short-sighted decision
  • well-being
  • academic performance
  • healthcare costs
  • fundraising alternatives
  • peer influence
  • role models
  • public health
  • profit margin
  • dietary education
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