IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some countries, many parents teach their kids that everything can be achieved if they work try enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#countries #parents #kids #work #children #message
In some countries, many parents teach their kids that everything can be achieved if they work try enough. In
this
 essay, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the positive and negative consequences will be discussed in detail before the conclusion is reached.
To begin
 with, there are many advantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 message. A
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
 and hardworking personality are the main key benefits, as they can serve as a growth mindset for individual development in both career and personal life.
For example
, if children
keen
Add a missing verb
are keen
show examples
 to get a higher score,
this
 mindset could help them
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 by themselves, resulting in higher
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 in school.
Additionally
, in their future life, reaching a higher
salaries
Change the noun form
salary
show examples
 position in their workplace
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
 a lot of
responsibility
 and effort which could be
advantage
Add an article
an advantage
show examples
 if they can learn
this
 from
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age. Another benefit is self-rewarding, achieving
goal
Add an article
the goal
a goal
show examples
 by putting
strong
Change preposition
in strong
show examples
 effort offers
self-fulfillment
Change the spelling
self-fulfilment
show examples
, leading to a positive learning process for children and becoming a valuable lesson.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, there are some negative consequences associated with
this
 notion, teaching offspring that anything can be owned or achieved without proper guidance can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 because many things cannot be afforded by just trying hard.
For instance
, some luxury
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 can be a dream item for
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 without realizing a reality or
owned
Wrong verb form
owning
show examples
 situation will bring some disappointment, leading to serious
metal
Correct your spelling
mental
show examples
 health like low-self esteem and depression and even
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial failure
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 spending money on unnecessary
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
. In conclusion,
this
 teaching message from parents provides several advantages for their children
such
 as
responsibility
, growth mindset, hardworking personality and self-rewarding.
However
,
this
 can bring some drawbacks including misleading, low self-esteem and depression.
Therefore
, parents should take
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
responsibility
 for proper guidance to minimize the side effects.
Submitted by sippakorn.wet on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors such as 'work try enough' should be 'work hard enough'. Such errors can affect the readability of the text.
examples
Provide specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments. While the essay includes relevant examples, more diversity and specificity could improve the overall quality.
clarity
Clarify and refine complex sentences to make your ideas more accessible. Some sentences are long and may confuse the reader.
coherence
Consider using introductory phrases to link sentences and paragraphs smoothly. Improved transition can aid in the overall coherence and the flow of ideas.
balanced argument
The essay provides a balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of the stated message, which demonstrates critical thinking.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively state the context and summary of the argument.
insightful content
The essay embodies a thoughtful perspective on how this advice can impact various aspects of a child's life, which is well-elaborated.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: