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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, gadgets have become a must-have item for
children
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.
This
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 essay will explain why
children
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 are addicted to their devices for hours and why I have good thoughts about
this
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. The biggest reason for gadget addiction is the lack of attention from their
parents
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. In the middle of modernization in all sectors of life,
parents
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 should work harder to fulfil their needs. It means, like a family with
children
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, the
parents
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 would spend extra work and do other activities. It reduced their time to play with their
children
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. The
parents
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 decided to give the
children
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 a device that has plenty of entertainment and interesting features
due to
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 their unavailability.
For example
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, a nine-year-old boy prefers to play online games with their friends
while
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 waiting for their
parents
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 to come home and continue playing even when his
parents
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 are already at home. His
parents
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 are bringing their work home, so
this
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 boy cannot intervene in their business. The existence of smartphones could be one of the solutions, but the
children
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 lose their precious moments to be with their
parents
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 and
this
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 addiction becomes uncontrollable.
While
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 the addictive usage of smartphones may bring negative issues, it brings advantages for
children
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 who are passionate about science and technology. The
children
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 could explore more from their gadgets. In
this
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 situation,
however
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,
parents
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 still can control their screen time.
Parents
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 can give some hours for their
children
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 to spend and explore the excitement and after that
parents
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 and
children
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 have a moment together. For
children
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 who love science, they can broaden their knowledge by surfing the online encyclopedia.
Also
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, there are sorts of applications which have simulation features, so the
children
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 can experiment without using the real ones. The
children
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 who are curious about technology,
they
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apply
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could explore on the internet how to build an application or games. In my experience, my seven-year-old son who is excited about science and technology found countless knowledge about math, space, physics, and chemistry. He
also
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 developed a simple game for
children
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 that contains physics and space material, so they could play and learn simultaneously. In conclusion, the addictive usage of smartphones can contribute to
children
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’s cognitive development and
parents
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 can manage their screen time.
While
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 smart devices can be an alternative for
parents
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 to keep their
children
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 entertained during their busy schedules and they may lose their togetherness, the positive thoughts for
children
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’s development are more significant.

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vocabulary
Consider providing more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance engagement.
clarity
Clarify your main arguments more explicitly to strengthen the overall coherence of your essay.
balance
Provide a more balanced argument by addressing potential downsides of screen time alongside the positives.
introduction
The essay effectively introduces the topic and presents a clear opinion.
support
The examples used are relevant and support your arguments well, particularly the anecdote about your son.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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