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Band 7

Over time, as children grow older, the relationship they have with their parents changes. In your opinion, what role should parents have in their adult children’s lives?

#time #children #relationship #parents #changes #role #adult #children’s #lives
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With the development of
children
, how
parents
 relate to them alters gradually. I believe that
parents
 should be supportive and promote their independence so they learn to overcome various difficulties in life with more confidence. One of the primary roles of
parents
 is to provide helpful advice so
children
 can make better choices in life.
In other words
, they are expected to teach grown-up
children
 significant social manners and rules to gain the trust of others
as well as
 establish a better relationship with them.
For example
, irresponsible behaviours
such
 as not keeping time and promises should be discouraged to be respected adults.
Furthermore
, the parent's role is not only to teach expected behaviours but
also
 to encourage them to recognize the importance of cooperation and peace rather than self-satisfaction. Another essential role of
parents
 is to promote the independence of
children
 as they are more demanded to solve complicated problems that they come across in life.
Instead
 of ordering what they should and should not do, which often leads to a growing conflict and distrust,
parents
 should respect their individual decisions to achieve their goals.
Thus
,
parents
 sometimes should wait patiently even when
children
 are making mistakes, from which they learn effective solutions as they reflect on themselves.
Therefore
, adults should be their supporters, encouraging them to look on the bright side no matter how distressful things may seem to be. In conclusion, as
children
 grow up,
parents
 are expected to provide useful tips on how to live well including keeping promises and time with others.
Moreover
, they should promote their independence as they become warm supporters by standing by them whenever they need them.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the prompt effectively, there are areas where it could delve deeper into specifics and provide more relevant examples to substantiate key points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and ensure that all sentences within the paragraph support that central idea. This will improve the logical flow.
task achievement
Try to vary sentence structures more and avoid redundancy to keep the writing engaging.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a solid framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The main points covered are relevant and contribute well to the overall argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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