IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people think that the behavior of professional sportsmen off the field is not important as long as they are good players. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it?

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There is an argument that
athletes
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 should only focus
to
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on
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 their play techniques and it is not related to how they behave socially outside the field. I personally disagree with
this
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 notion, and I will elaborate more on
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, professional sportsmen have a huge leverage over their
fans
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. As many people, particularly teenagers, serve the
athletes
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 as idols, they tend to follow their
behaviour
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 in general. The younger
fans
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 are likely to copy what their idols do and make it a trend, even though it is not the right thing.
For example
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, Budi, an Indonesian famous football player, was often spotted by paparazzi drinking alcohol in public,
while
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 it is not common to do
such
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 a thing in the country. Owing to
this
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 phenomenon, the
fans
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, teenagers
in particular
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, will follow their idols'
behaviour
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 and it will be
such
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 a trend among them.
Therefore
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, sports players need to behave carefully to avoid becoming a bad influence on minor groups.
Secondly
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, good
behaviour
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 leads to maintaining the
athletes
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' performance. As they take care of their well-being, they can perform well in the field.
Whereas
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, if the
athletes
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 ignore healthy lifestyles, their quality performance may be decreased.
For instance
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, studies show that 30% of professional football players are smokers and they are more likely to get injured during the play than the non-smokers' footballers.
Moreover
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, the researchers explain that smoking reduces their endurance.
Hence
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, sports players need to pay attention to their way of life in order to maintain best practices professionally in the long term. In conclusion, I strongly believe that professional sportsmen have a responsibility to keep their
behaviour
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 in terms of being a good influence on their
fans
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 and applying a healthy way of life to maintain their performance.

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task response
While your essay is comprehensive and covers the prompt well, ensure that you refine your topic sentences to clearly signal the main idea of each paragraph. This will enhance the clarity and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets the stage effectively, but it could be slightly more engaging or specific to immediately capture the reader’s attention. Consider integrating a hook or a more detailed thesis statement.
task response
The examples provided are relevant and support the points adequately. However, integrating data or more detailed instances could further solidify your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs that each address a specific point related to the topic. This helps in maintaining a coherent flow.
coherence cohesion
You effectively conclude your essay by summarizing the main points and reiterating your stance, which reinforces your argument nicely.
task response
The reasons and examples you provided to support your arguments are relevant and logically connected to your main points, which enhances the strength of your response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • media-driven
  • publicized
  • public opinion
  • societal norms
  • brand representation
  • sponsors
  • inappropriate behavior
  • team dynamics
  • morale
  • personal accountability
  • public image
  • career and legacy
  • off-field behavior
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