IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In spite of many advances women have made in education and unemployment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. What are the causes of this and what measures can be taken to solve?

#spite #advances #women #education #unemployment #promotion #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued that the disadvantages of the salary and promotion of
women
 are reported continually increasing despite their dedication to schooling
as well as
 unemployment.
This
 essay contends that the root causes of
this
 tendency are gender discrimination and the main role of
females
 in taking care of
children
, yet it can be addressed by imposing policies for postpartum
women
. One of the primary reasons for
women
’s disadvantage in career is the discrimination in both sexes.
In other words
, there is a common belief that
females
 are weak and
also
 not as well educated as
males
 so they are only appropriate for some jobs
such
 as housework or work that requires high finger dexterity.
As a result
,
this
 situation leads to a prejudice about
women
’s working abilities in the workplace which may deter them from seeking promotion. Another point worth considering is
females
 play a great importance in bringing up
children
.
That is
 to say,
women
 are skillfully looking after
children
 than
males
 owing to they are more likely to gain knowledge of nurturing kids in the right way,
while
males
 tend to teach
children
 by violence and scolding.
Consequently
,
women
 have to take time off to take care of
children
,
while
 men are considered the breadwinners of their families so they need to go to work which means that
males
 might have more job prospects. One of the feasible solutions that can be implemented to remedy the aforementioned issues is the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 need to promulgate rights and policies for giving birth to
children
 of
women
. To implement
this
 method, the authorities should encourage enterprises to give postpartum
women
 3 months off to take care of themselves
as well as
 their offspring.
This
 would assist
females
 after giving birth may be offered lots of opportunities to move up the ladder with high salaries as
males
 and
also
 reduce the high-level wage gap. In conclusion, the issue of
women
’s disadvantages in careers
such
 as salary and promotion stems from gender discrimination and the crucial role of
females
 in a family.
Therefore
, urgent action needs to be taken by the government promulgating some feminist policies in order to ensure the job prospects of
women
 after giving birth
otherwise
this
 would lead to some serious consequences.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay provides a full response to the question, it lacks specific examples and detailed arguments. Try to include more concrete examples to effectively illustrate your points.
task achievement
The ideas presented in your essay are generally clear but can sometimes be a bit difficult to follow. Make sure to streamline your ideas for better comprehension.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs to align paragraphs more logically and add cohesive devices for smoother flow. Use linking words and phrases to clearly show relationships between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Each of your main points should be developed more thoroughly with strong supporting evidence and detailed explanations. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames the argument.
task achievement
The topic, gender discrimination in the workplace, is comprehensively addressed, demonstrating a complete response to the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: