IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and agas together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #agas
Music
 has become a part of our life.
People
 in their free time prefer to listen to
music
.
People
 convey their feelings through
songs
. Some
people
 think that for bringing
people
 of different cultures together,
music
 is a good medium. I agree with
this
 statement to a very large extent.
Firstly
,
people
 listen to different cultures’
music
 and become fans of that singer. The singers convey their culture’s message through the
songs
.
For instance
, my brother mostly listens to Sawiki
songs
.
While
 he is a Punjabi, he is a big fan of Saraiki
songs
. In
this
 way, he came to know the Saraiki language and their culture.
Secondly
, some
people
 will listen to
music
 very carefully. They become the fan of that
music
 singer and they listen to him. If he says them to be united, they will unite. For illustration, my friend loves Loreen’s
music
 so much. He listens to
songs
 and follows her. He listens to his every vlog and he knows everything about his culture.
Lastly
,
people
 go to different cultures’ singers’ concerts. There is no restriction for different cultural
people
.
people
 spent a lot of money to attend their concert.
For example
, my sister who is a big fan of Karan Aujla. She spent a lot of money to attend his concert where she met different
people
 of different cultures. Even the singer is of a different culture and she loves him. In conclusion,
music
 brings
people
 of different cultures together through concerts and through listening to their favourite singers.
Submitted by sajeehulzamans on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structure more and avoid repetitive language to keep the reader engaged.
task achievement
While your points are strong, ensuring that each main point is equally developed will make your argument even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Polishing grammar and focusing on minor errors in sentence construction will enhance readability.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments and refuting them to show a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effective, providing a strong start and end to your essay.
supported main points
You've used relevant and specific examples to support your points, which greatly aids in clarifying your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!