IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Spoken communication is more powerful than written communication. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#communication
People hold different views about whether family members have a critical impact on offspring's improvement or
other
Correct word choice
whether other
show examples
 influences are more essential . I firmly believe that family may contribute to their
children
's development rather than others. On the one hand, it is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 other factors
such
 as school,
friends
 and teachers change teenagers' lives.
Firstly
,
children
 spend most of their time in school around
friends
 or teachers , and
for
this
 reason, there are chances for being influenced.
For instance
, during a lesson, a teacher elaborates vast amounts of ideas, topics and thoughts about distinctive themes and it leads to some changes or improvements for students.
Furthermore
, psychology says that the surroundings of a child have a big impact on him or her because in the teenage
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 they prefer their
friends
' approval of their families.
For example
, if their
friends
 are capable, intelligent and hardworking they
also
 are the same with their help ,
otherwise
, youth can be influenced by dangerous or invalid behaviours
such
 as bullying and violence which leads to detrimental consequences.
On the other hand
, l agree with those who believe that relatives are more likely to impact their younger generations.
Above all
, it is irrefutable that youngsters' characters are made based on the way in which they grow up. To illustrate
this
, if someone sees violence in a family he will be the same as them because they think it is the right way.
In contrast
, if they are brought up in peace and honesty they will not tend to be villains.
Additionally
, research shows that, if family members support their
children
 financially and emotionally they will be more successful with their help . In conclusion,
although
 it is thought by some that others have a powerful influence on
children
's development, l believe that family play a crucial role in their child's improvement.
Submitted by nezerli.x12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider improving the logical flow between paragraphs. Though each paragraph is reasonably well-organized, some transitions could be smoother for better overall coherence.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with additional relevant and specific examples. While the essay does provide some examples, more variety and detail would add depth to your arguments.
task achievement
Work on expanding your vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance clarity and precision. Some sentences are slightly repetitive or could be phrased more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which succinctly summarize the main points discussed.
task achievement
The task response is comprehensive, addressing both sides of the argument and providing a clear stance on the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: