IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first smartphone was released in 1992. By then year 2020 there may be as many as 2.5 billion smartphones in the world. The use of smartphones is decreasing our collective intelligence because we are reliant on the technology and not our own minds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 age and day, using of smartphones is seemingly increasing and it is argued that
people
Use synonyms
's knowledge is reducing because of some reasons related to phones. I partially support
this
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 viewpoint and I will elaborate my arguments in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, l accept that the number of
people
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 with low intelligence is increasing
due to
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 electronic devices,
such
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 as computers or telephones.
For example
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, some pupils use sophisticated
technology
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 for even simple tasks
such
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 as calculating.
For
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this
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 reason, individuals may lose their ability to do daily activities.
For instance
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, The New York Times says that the public of New York is less capable
due to
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latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
technology
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.
Moreover
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, almost every school is provided with technological equipment and students should not use their own capabilities for doing research because of it.
As a result
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 of
this
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, they become less productive than before.
On the other hand
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, it is
also
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 true that phones contribute to individuals' intelligence levels. Nowadays, there are a lot of services and websites which allow users access to the latest information about different topics
such
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 as Wikipedia.
Furthermore
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, vast amounts of apps are available to improve pupils' understanding and comprehension skills.
For example
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, there is an app called Wordle which asks
people
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 to find incorrect answers about scientific topics and correct them. In conclusion,
although
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 I agree that
technology
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 assists
people
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 in being more productive and knowledgeable, l
also
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 hold the view that if
people
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 use
technology
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 in the wrong way they will be less successful.

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task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are fully supported by specific, relevant examples that are clearly linked to your main points. This helps in strengthening your task response and making your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Work on clarity and precision in your ideas to make sure your arguments are easy to understand. This includes refining language use and ensuring that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical structure of your essay. Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your overall argument and that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using clearer topic sentences and more varied linking phrases at the start of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in presenting your argument clearly.
task achievement
You have touched on both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view, which is good for task achievement.
task achievement
You provided examples to support your arguments, which is essential for a strong task response, even if they could be more specific in some areas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • collective intelligence
  • reliant on technology
  • problem-solving
  • problem-solving
  • cognitive skills
  • critical thinking
  • knowledge acquisition
  • connectivity
  • knowledge sharing
  • cognitive overload
  • memory retention
  • brain-training apps
  • digital literacy
  • multitask
  • attention span
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