Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
It is thought by some that having a fixed
age
of retirement
at 65 years old for everyone in relationship with their occupations is not fair. They think that some kind of profession should deserve to retire and obtain a pension at an earlier stage of life. I totally agree with this
statement and I will argue the reasons in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
, it is a common belief that not all occupations are the same, and some of them require more physical effort. Hence
, workers who have worked in situations where their bodies are committed to high-intensity activities
and where they have been exposed to dangerous materials or chemicals, deserve an earlier retirement
and be able to access their pensions. For instance
, a person who has been working in construction their entire life,
probably is physically more tired than people who did office work. Remove the comma
apply
Moreover
, I would say that retirement
age
should be classified by the kind of activities
executed throughout life, and not as a fixed age
. Because every individual is different and does not have the same requirements.
Secondly
, retirement
age
should be a benefit that any individual could opt to take when they want. For instance
, a pension should work as a savings account that you have access to whenever you need
, Correct pronoun usage
need it
in contrast
with the current system imposed by governments that indicates a specific age
for everybody. Moreover
, many activities
are exposure to hazardous chemicals that lead to cancer and other diseases if you do not retire at an early stage. So it is key to prevent this
kind of health problem by implementing new laws to regulate the age
of retirement
for those who work in these areas.
To sum up
, I totally agree that some occupations require an earlier age
of retirement
, not only because of the physical effort but also
due to
the time that humans in these activities
are exposed to hazardous chemicals or dangerous materials.Submitted by jimeilaria on
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coherence cohesion
Improve your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly and logically to the next. Ensure your supporting points are consistently well-developed and tied back to your main argument.
task achievement
Try to develop more comprehensive ideas by expanding on your reasons and providing a broader range of examples. Make sure each point you raise is clearly articulated and fully explored.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction that sets up your argument well and a conclusion that effectively sums up your points.
coherence cohesion
Your supporting points are generally well-made and relevant to the argument you are presenting.
task achievement
You presented a complete response to the task and included relevant examples that support your argument.