Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is thought by some that having a fixed

age

Use synonyms

retirement

Use synonyms

at 65 years old for everyone in relationship with their occupations is not fair. They think that some kind of profession should deserve to retire and obtain a pension at an earlier stage of life. I totally agree with

this

Linking Words

statement and I will argue the reasons in the ensuing paragraphs.

Firstly

Linking Words

, it is a common belief that not all occupations are the same, and some of them require more physical effort.

Hence

Linking Words

, workers who have worked in situations where their bodies are committed to high-intensity

activities

Use synonyms

and where they have been exposed to dangerous materials or chemicals, deserve an earlier

retirement

Use synonyms

and be able to access their pensions.

For instance

Linking Words

, a person who has been working in construction their entire life

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

probably is physically more tired than people who did office work.

Moreover

Linking Words

, I would say that

retirement

Use synonyms

age

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should be classified by the kind of

activities

Use synonyms

executed throughout life, and not as a fixed

age

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. Because every individual is different and does not have the same requirements.

Secondly

Linking Words

retirement

Use synonyms

age

Use synonyms

should be a benefit that any individual could opt to take when they want.

For instance

Linking Words

, a pension should work as a savings account that you have access to whenever you

need

Correct pronoun usage

need it

show examples

in contrast

Linking Words

with the current system imposed by governments that indicates a specific

age

Use synonyms

for everybody.

Moreover

Linking Words

, many

activities

Use synonyms

are exposure to hazardous chemicals that lead to cancer and other diseases if you do not retire at an early stage. So it is key to prevent

this

Linking Words

kind of health problem by implementing new laws to regulate the

age

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retirement

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for those who work in these areas.

To sum up

Linking Words

, I totally agree that some occupations require an earlier

age

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retirement

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, not only because of the physical effort but

also

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

the time that humans in these

activities

Use synonyms

are exposed to hazardous chemicals or dangerous materials.

jimeilariaWed Sep 25 2024

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coherence cohesion

Improve your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly and logically to the next. Ensure your supporting points are consistently well-developed and tied back to your main argument.

task achievement

Try to develop more comprehensive ideas by expanding on your reasons and providing a broader range of examples. Make sure each point you raise is clearly articulated and fully explored.

coherence cohesion

You provided a clear introduction that sets up your argument well and a conclusion that effectively sums up your points.

coherence cohesion

Your supporting points are generally well-made and relevant to the argument you are presenting.

task achievement

You presented a complete response to the task and included relevant examples that support your argument.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

6.5

Logical structure

7.5

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

325 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Tailored learning
peer pressure
flexibility
instill values
socialization
communication skills
specialized facilities
extracurricular activities
diversity
structured environment
customized education
well-rounded education

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