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Band 5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension
It is thought by some that it is not fair to be allowed to be retired just when turning 65 years old. They believe that some of the
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
show examples
 should be done until an earlier stage of life.
This
 essay completely
agree
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agrees
show examples
 with
this
 statement, I will argue the reasons in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
, every
jobs
Change to a singular noun
job
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 requires high levels of effort and focus, but not all of them require to be in a good
phyisical
Correct your spelling
physical
 condition.
Furthermore
, it is a big difference between having a
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
full-time job in an office
than
Correct word choice
and
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 in construction.
In addition
, humans who are working in construction they are not only having to lift
weight
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weights
show examples
 the whole day, but they are
also
 constantly breathing dust.
Hence
, that type of
jobs
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job
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 very harmful, and it could cause future diseases,
that is
way
Correct your spelling
why
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 they should do it for a short time.
Secondly
, there are
also
another type
Fix the agreement mistake
other types
show examples
 of
jobs
 that may not need physical effort, but it
demans
Correct your spelling
demands
 high levels of stress.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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suergeons
Correct your spelling
surgeons
, who are constantly doing
surgerys
Correct your spelling
surgeries
surgery
 where they really need to be completely awake and
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
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, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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demands a
lof
Correct your spelling
lot
show examples
 of stress, as their
patient's
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patients'
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 lives are on their hands.
Furthermore
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Furthermore,
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 health professionals have a higher chance of getting sick because hospitals are places where viruses and bacteria thrive.
In addition
, we should truly care about those people who dedicate their lives to caring for others.
To sum up
, some of the occupations should be allowed to be done at an earlier stage of life, not just when reaching their
sixtys
Correct your spelling
sixties
sixty
, some of the
jobs
 have a high physical demand and others are very
stressfull
Correct your spelling
stressful
 and those people should be more than allowed to retire earlier.
Submitted by jimeilaria on

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task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task, but make sure each argument is clear and developed. Ensure that examples used are specific and directly related to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more transition phrases between ideas and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive phrases and ensure fluid connections between different points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments.
task achievement
You have presented relevant arguments and supported them with reasons related to the task prompts.
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