IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays,
gender- related
Correct your spelling
gender-related
show examples
roles
Use synonyms
 have changed, and men stay at home to take care of their children, and
women
Use synonyms
 are more active outside of the house.
This
Linking Words
 matter, which I think is completely positive, could have some reasons like the equal
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both sexes in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
, and
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 increased desires for progression. To commence with,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
societies
Use synonyms
 have changed traditional
roles
Use synonyms
 through some movements like Feminism.
In other words
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 movement changed the priority of men
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and has created an equal
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 both genders.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 could distance themselves from traditional expectations, and follow their wants.
For example
Linking Words
, the ratio of
women
Use synonyms
 employees in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different kinds of jobs has increased in the
last
Linking Words
 decades, which shows the superiority of
females
Use synonyms
 in following their dreams.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, with
expansion
Add an article
the expansion
an expansion
show examples
 of modern
Use synonyms
societies
Add a comma
societies,
show examples
 the progression
desire
Change preposition
of desire
show examples
 is highlighted, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
females
Use synonyms
 have been impacted too. In
this
Linking Words
 state, achieving
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
superior
roles
Use synonyms
 becomes a main target, and
this
Linking Words
 stream, far from gender, changes the atmosphere of
societies
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, it must be considered that with
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to the oppressive impact of the past,
females
Use synonyms
 try to verify their abilities outside of the traditional
roles
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, today
women
Use synonyms
 have acquired high positions in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
executive
roles
Use synonyms
, which
demonstrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
demonstrates
show examples
 their attempt to achieve their wishes of superiority in
the
Replace the word
society
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
. In a nutshell, modernism has impacted the
color
Change the spelling
colour
show examples
 of
societies
Use synonyms
, and the traditional role of
females
Use synonyms
 has changed.
This
Linking Words
 variation could be
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
revolutions like feminism, and the highlighted role of progression desire among people
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
women
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve your logical structure, it's important to ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly from one idea to the next. Using linking words or phrases can help to achieve this.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples could make your argument stronger. For instance, including data or real-world cases can significantly bolster your points.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas by ensuring your sentences are concise and to the point. Avoid overly complex structures that could make your arguments less clear.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, giving it a well-rounded feel.
task achievement
Main points are relevant and backed up by some examples, showing understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • breadwinner
  • caregiving
  • paternal leave
  • societal perceptions
  • gender roles
  • flexible working conditions
  • personal preference
  • father-child relationship
  • emotional and social development
  • household responsibilities
  • career opportunities
  • professional achievements
  • balanced parenting
  • earning potential
  • social stigma
  • societal pressure
  • discrimination
  • traditional mindsets
  • resentment
  • adjustment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: