IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Young people prefer listening to music rather than listening to the news on the radio. Is this a positive or a negative trend? Provide reasons and examples for your opinion.

#people #music #news #radio #trend
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These days, global lifestyles are so varied from the prior
time
 and we can see young generations have different behaviour from their parents
such
 as they like to listen to
music
instead
 of new from Radio. In my opinion,
this
 is a positive development
while
 they do not know about the happened
that is
 changing their world owing to the fact that when international citizens do not listen to or read the
news
 that has a range of good and bad
news
, they won't have mental issues, and listen to
music
 help
people
 to do their work with high yield. On the one hand, most of the
news
 that either radio or other social media have a number of
news
 that are about bad evidence; in fact, these kinds of
news
 have bad effects on our minds like toxicity on our bodies, so after many
time
 populations who follow the
news
 have several scared about everything and they cannot live like the previous times;
thereafter
, their mental problem will be increased;
moreover
, they are not able to do their work very good.
On the other hand
, listening to
music
 is the best way
people
 can relax and help communities to exchange their energy after little
time
;
furthermore
, aids
people
 in cleaning their minds from everything that makes them worry and angry;
therefore
,
people
 can focus on their job better with spend less
time
. To illustrate, most students learn subjects needing accuracy like mathematics, physics, programming, and so on better with
music
 inasmuch as they can study more influentially without thinking about a majority of elements.
To sum up
, it is important that we know about some new that help us to improve our lives;
however
, spending the whole of our
time
 on it has a negative on our mental health;
whereas
,
music
 helps
people
 to become active.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your task response would improve by providing more specific examples related to young people and their preference for music over news. Currently, the examples used are somewhat general.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, consider refining your transitions and ensuring that your points follow a logical sequence. Using more connecting words and phrases can help your ideas flow smoothly.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay does a good job of introducing the topic and providing a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points.
supported main points
You have made some relevant points about the psychological impacts of news and the positive effects of music.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • accessibility
  • personalization
  • traditional
  • monotonous
  • escapism
  • relaxation
  • engagement
  • global events
  • informed decisions
  • bite-sized
  • fact-based
  • societal awareness
  • cultural identities
  • medium
  • subcultures
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