IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many young people are leaving their home in rural area to study or work in cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #home #area #study #work #cities #development
Nowadays many young
people
 are leaving their homes to study or work in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
large cities. It is not explained that some
people
 find cities more beneficial than nurse areas. Of course, there are both pros and cons to clarify
this
, albeit
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
. First of all, most young
people
 move to the cities because of the high salary.
For instance
, a high salary would give an amazing chance to complement their incentive to be prosperous,
ensure
Correct word choice
and ensure
show examples
 their family thereby
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 their life available to use the things that they did not use before. Second of all, the subsequent reason why young
people
 move away is the opportunity. The city sustains an image of a big and unique
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
. It means that it would give them a chance to obtain those things like -
meet
Wrong verb form
meeting
show examples
 famous
people
,
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a great job, have an insight into what a
well off
Add a hyphen
well-off
show examples
 life is. But now, turning to the other side of the argument is stress. It explains because of the new place, sometimes uncomfortable circumstances like - loud noises from
streets
Correct article usage
the streets
show examples
, language barrier and most of all different
people
 that can not accept you. Another major disadvantage is high expenditures. Despite the high salary you
also
 have to pay enormous money for your apartment, food, education ( if you are
student
Add an article
a student
show examples
) and other things. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I can tell that the city is giving young
people
 more opportunities and big incomes. Despite the instances
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 stress,
problems
Correct word choice
and problems
show examples
 with communication - it is only the start. In future everything will go to the right place and it will give their own labour.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clarify the introduction by clearly identifying the reasons and stating your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and details to support each point in your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next, and consider using linking words or phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures to improve the flow and depth of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages, fulfilling the task requirement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, offering a clear start and end to the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay attempts to balance different sides of the argument, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: