IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #care #priority #government #focus #education
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the
energy
Use synonyms
 problem is very important, so we will all have
responsibility
Use synonyms
 for saving
energy
Use synonyms
. I less agree saving
energy
Use synonyms
 is the
responsibility
Use synonyms
 of the
government
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the
government
Use synonyms
 have a
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to save
energy
Use synonyms
. In the
world
Use synonyms
 now we do not have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
energy
Use synonyms
 to give us
use
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 it will affect our life in the future
such
Linking Words
 as we can not cook or the car can not move, so the
government
Use synonyms
 need to do something to save
energy
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as to teach all
people
Use synonyms
 to
use
Use synonyms
 less
energy
Use synonyms
 and to find some new
energy
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
use
Use synonyms
 water or the
sun
Use synonyms
 to make
energy
Use synonyms
. If the
government
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
sun
Use synonyms
 and water to make
energy
Use synonyms
 it can save
energy
Use synonyms
 and let humans have
energy
Use synonyms
 to
use
Use synonyms
 and it is
also
Linking Words
 good for the environment.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if just the
government
Use synonyms
 saves
energy
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 it will be slow, so
people
Use synonyms
 who live in the
world
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 have the
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to save
energy
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 can
use
Use synonyms
 less
energy
Use synonyms
 at home
for example
Linking Words
 they turn off things they don't
use
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can put a product that can
use
Use synonyms
 the
sun
Use synonyms
's heat to make
energy
Use synonyms
 outside their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 to help the
government
Use synonyms
 make new
energy
Use synonyms
 and save
energy
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, at school teachers can teach the
students
Use synonyms
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the effect on us and the
world
Use synonyms
 of using a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
energy
Use synonyms
. It can let
students
Use synonyms
 know
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of saving
energy
Use synonyms
, teach
students
Use synonyms
 to
use
Use synonyms
 less
energy
Use synonyms
 and more new reused
energy
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
sun
Use synonyms
 or water and what they can do to save
energy
Use synonyms
for example
Linking Words
 when children go outside with their family can sit on the bus or MTR do not drive the car for themselves. When a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 do
this
Linking Words
, that decreases using a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
energy
Use synonyms
. At
school
Add a comma
school,
show examples
 teachers teach
students
Use synonyms
 to talk to their dad and mum, and
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 do it together,
then
Linking Words
 it can save a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
energy
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, saving
energy
Use synonyms
 is not the
responsibility
Use synonyms
 of the
government
Use synonyms
, all humans who live in the
world
Use synonyms
 do together can save
energy
Use synonyms
 quickly.
Submitted by asllchkied on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers the main points, but it can benefit from specific examples and more detailed explanations. For instance, instead of just stating that the government needs to find new energy sources, you could elaborate on successful cases of renewable energy adoption.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, it can improve in logical flow. Ensure each paragraph connects smoothly to the next with appropriate transition words.
introduction/conclusion present
Your essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which makes it easier for readers to follow your main points.
clear comprehensive ideas
You provided valid arguments for why both the government and individuals should be responsible for saving energy, which shows a balanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: