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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #care #priority #government #focus #education
Nowadays, the
energy
 problem is very important, so we will all have
responsibility
 for saving
energy
. I less agree saving
energy
 is the
responsibility
 of the
government
.
To begin
 with, the
government
 have a
responsibility
 to save
energy
. In the
world
 now we do not have a
lot
 of
energy
 to give us
use
,
then
 it will affect our life in the future
such
 as we can not cook or the car can not move, so the
government
 need to do something to save
energy
such
 as to teach all
people
 to
use
 less
energy
 and to find some new
energy
such
 as
use
 water or the
sun
 to make
energy
. If the
government
use
sun
 and water to make
energy
 it can save
energy
 and let humans have
energy
 to
use
 and it is
also
 good for the environment.
Moreover
, if just the
government
 saves
energy
then
 it will be slow, so
people
 who live in the
world
also
 have the
responsibility
 to save
energy
.
People
 can
use
 less
energy
 at home
for example
 they turn off things they don't
use
.
Also
,
people
 can put a product that can
use
 the
sun
's heat to make
energy
 outside their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 to help the
government
 make new
energy
 and save
energy
.
In addition
, at school teachers can teach the
students
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the effect on us and the
world
 of using a
lot
 of
energy
. It can let
students
 know
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of saving
energy
, teach
students
 to
use
 less
energy
 and more new reused
energy
such
 as
sun
 or water and what they can do to save
energy
for example
 when children go outside with their family can sit on the bus or MTR do not drive the car for themselves. When a
lot
 of
people
 do
this
, that decreases using a
lot
 of
energy
. At
school
Add a comma
school,
show examples
 teachers teach
students
 to talk to their dad and mum, and
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 do it together,
then
 it can save a
lot
 of
energy
.
To conclude
, saving
energy
 is not the
responsibility
 of the
government
, all humans who live in the
world
 do together can save
energy
 quickly.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Your essay covers the main points, but it can benefit from specific examples and more detailed explanations. For instance, instead of just stating that the government needs to find new energy sources, you could elaborate on successful cases of renewable energy adoption.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, it can improve in logical flow. Ensure each paragraph connects smoothly to the next with appropriate transition words.
introduction/conclusion present
Your essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which makes it easier for readers to follow your main points.
clear comprehensive ideas
You provided valid arguments for why both the government and individuals should be responsible for saving energy, which shows a balanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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