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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that if old people spend time and get along with others and exercise everyday they will become fit. However these days older people are usually lonely and donot talk to others which makes them unfit and how unhappy. What are the reasons for this? How can this be resolved

#people #time #exercise #donot #be
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The reasons behind older
people
 being lonely and unfit are
due to
 negative experiences with other
people
 and
due to
 their developed and strong personalities and the solution to
this
 problem is to create a new grouping device.
Staring
Correct your spelling
Starting
show examples
 with the main problem, as older
people
 have years of experience whether that be negative or positive, they may have become distant
due to
 negative experiences with other human beings. Our planet is home to billions of
people
, which
equivalate
Verb problem
equate
show examples
 to over 10 billion personality traits that may or may not match. As human beings are unique to their own thoughts, stronger personalities may cause
people
 of different opinions to clash. These
energy draining
Add a hyphen
energy-draining
show examples
 experiences may
then
 cause these human beings to increase their possibility of distancing
onself
Correct your spelling
oneself
 from others. Next up, we move on to introduce the way
this
 problem can be resolved. When we talk about the 21st century, we can not fail to mention technology. The solution I would like to propose
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is an application that gathers all information about the
elder
Correct your spelling
older
show examples
 generation including their hobbies, personality traits, personality traits of others they dislike, their home location, etc
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 The application will
then
 send invitations for the elders to join small communities that complement each other. With
this
 mechanism, I believe that we can promote exercising in a way that elders will enjoy.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents clear ideas, but it can be further improved by adding more relevant and concrete examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of your essay is generally clear, consider adding a brief conclusion to summarize your main points and reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the development of your main points by providing more detailed explanations and connections between ideas.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear solution to the problem and explains it well, making use of modern technology as a tool for social connection.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between the introduction and body paragraphs is smooth, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have effectively identified the reasons for the issue and proposed a potential solution, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social isolation
  • Chronic health conditions
  • Urban lifestyles
  • Generational gap
  • Public transportation
  • Community programs
  • Technology barriers
  • Healthcare improvements
  • Intergenerational programs
  • Loneliness
  • Accessibility
  • Senior-friendly
  • Mobility issues
  • Elderly-friendly
  • Social interaction
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