IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could best be taken to solve it?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #time #indoors #measures
Nowadays, teens and preteens all over the world are more likely to spend time doing indoor
activities
 rather than doing outdoor
activities
. I believe that it is because of the advanced technologies. Youngsters can play video games all day long or watch a marathon of cinema. In my view, the most effective way to quit
this
 habit is to do more
exercise
. I will explain my point of view in the following paragraphs. To start with, electronic devices
such
 as computers, mobile phones, and tablets are very popular today.
People
 can use them to surf the internet, buy things, watch films, and so on because it is pretty convenient and useful.
However
,
people
 who use computers the whole day may have Internet addiction. They could have difficulties interacting with others.
That is
 a serious problem in the whole world. It is an urgent crisis, and we need to cope with it instantly.
Otherwise
, there will be consequences. Doing
exercise
 can reduce pressure, make friends, strengthen your muscles, and so forth.
Exercise
 has many benefits. Some sports require
people
 to go out, and if you want to take part, you have to leave your room. Leaving the comfort zone is good for
people
 to make progress. Doing
exercise
 can bring you a healthy body, friendships, and happiness.
As a result
,
people
 should have to do more outdoor
activities
. In a nutshell, indoor
activities
 may be wonderful, but there are some demerits to them. By doing these, you may be isolated, eye-hurting, loneliness, etc.
However
, in my opinion, we should have to do more outdoor
activities
, because they are really beneficial to our lives.
Submitted by edward300225 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Try to elaborate more on the causes of the problem by providing specific examples or evidence. For instance, you could mention studies or statistics showing the increase in screen time among children and teenagers.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices to link your sentences and paragraphs (e.g., 'Firstly,' 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' 'Therefore'). This will make your essay easier to read and understand.
task response
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and your viewpoint is clearly stated.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion reinforces the main points and provides a clear closing statement.
task response
You have discussed the benefits of outdoor activities, providing relevant points about exercise and its advantages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: