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Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Several
children
 use their phones for hours daily.
This
 is
due to
 the lack of parental restrictions on the daily usage of smartphones, and I think
that is
 a negative development because it can delay the speech ability
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a
child
. Many
parents
 have to do both parenting and working at the same time,
this
 can result in the lack of attention that they give towards their
child
, including the
child
's phone usage. As a
child
 needs to be constantly entertained, a busy parent will resort to giving their
child
 a phone in order to make the
child
 distracted
while
 they are doing their job.
For example
, many working
parents
 who can't afford a nanny, will most likely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
give their
child
 a phone to keep the
child
 busy.
Therefore
,
this
 habit could lead to
over screen
Add a hyphen
over-screen
show examples
 time for many
children
. I believe
this
 is a negative development
due to
 the fact that a phone-addicted
child
 will most likely experience a speech delay. Even though many
parents
 try to teach their
children
 to speak, the fast-paced information and content that their
children
 are seeing
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their smartphones make it very hard for
children
 to comprehend the concept of a language.
For instance
, many
children
 with over screen time, only be able to talk fluently after the age of 4,
whereas
children
 who don't, are able to talk at the age of 2.
To conclude
, many
children
 are spending a lot of hours on their phones because of the inability of their
parents
 to give them the proper attention. I think
this
 is a negative development because
this
 phenomenon can lead to speech delay for many
children
.
Submitted by aribawadzaki on

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task achievement
Add more supporting examples to strengthen arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that paragraphs transition smoothly between points.
task achievement
Develop some points further to fully and comprehensively address the question.
coherence cohesion
Introduction structure is clear and forthright.
coherence cohesion
Conclusion recaps the main points concisely.
task achievement
Well-selected example about working parents gives weight to the argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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