IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some countries there are more yung people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #yung #people #enrol #university #situation
Nowadays, a
lot
 of
teenagers
 prefer to work part-time jobs
instead
 of studying and
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 attention to the university. I totally disagree with
this
 trend and think that the disadvantages of
this
 trend overweight the advantages. On the one hand, earning money and being able to work from a young age are really great and rare skills. Nowadays a crowd of
teenagers
 prefer to play a computer or video games
instead
 of doing a sport or studying hard. In the 21st century, there are a
lot
 of opportunities to meet young people, who have a problem with their health.
For example
, let's compare
teenagers
 in the United States who spent their childhood or teenage time in 2015 and 2024. So the proportion of fat
teenagers
 is 10% and 67% respectively. It means that working is better than just staying at home and doing nothing. But, if we compare it with
study
, it is obvious that
study
 is much better than working.
On the other hand
, the 21st century is a technology and learning century. So, if you want to earn a
lot
 of money, you should
study
 from childhood. A
lot
 of
teenagers
 think that working a part-time job will make you rich.
However
, the answer is no.
For instance
, the best way to get wealth is to
study
 until you become rich. Because, if you
study
 and work harder, you will be at least smarter and more modern than others. And
this
 is the really attractive thing about becoming a member of one company. Having weighed everything and mentioned up, we can easily say that
teenagers
 spending their leisure time on studying
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has more advantages than working part-time.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay presents a clear position on the topic, which is good. However, you have some inconsistencies, such as the comparison of percentages without a clear source or context. Ensuring examples are relevant and accurate will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, you should focus on creating smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, the connection between discussing teenagers' health and the advantages of studying could be more explicitly linked.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay could be enhanced with clearer topic sentences and a more organized development of ideas. Ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single idea will create a more easily understandable discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion restates the main argument effectively, summarizing your position well.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic, setting the stage for your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: