IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Others people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #attention
Nowadays, the advertising industry has expanded.
Although
 some opine that most
people
's purchases are occurred because of advertisements, some others argue that
such
 procedure has become conventional and it is
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
anymore
Replace the word
any more
show examples
 attractive for individuals. I agree with the first perspective and both notions will be discussed in the following paragraphs. As mentioned above, some are of the opinion that advertising does not play an efficient role in
people
's decisions to purchase any products.
In other words
,
people
 used to watch various kinds of commercials on different platforms
such
 as advertisements on films, series, concerts, football matches and billboards in the streets.
Therefore
,
due to
 confronting the numerous numbers of them during the routine life, they are not eye-catching to gain attention.
Besides
, in
this
 group's point of view,
people
's trust has been betrayed by some fake advertising,
hence
 they do not count
such
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 trustworthy, and they will ignore them. Others and I,
however
, firmly believe that the expansion of
such
industry
Correct article usage
an industry
show examples
 vastly impresses
people
 and convinces them to buy excessively.
For example
, the cosmetic sector is one of the industries which make a huge profit from commercials; when a product is launched in
this
 segment, many influencers and bloggers start using and advertising it on social media. In order to
this
 fact, contemporary individuals who are impressed by
such
people
 will be induced to buy that item.
Furthermore
, there are some impressive brands which not only have an effect on their markets
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 influence other departments.
For instance
, some investigations demonstrate that there is an international brand of cafe that affects
estate
Correct article usage
the estate
show examples
 market by creating a new branch in a novel area,
people
 buy new houses in that district as they are sure the fee rank of accommodations in
this
 zone will increase because of that
such
 action. In conclusion, there are two viewpoints about advertising:
first,
it is not influential anymore;
second,
it always has a significant effect on
people
 to purchase, the idea which I agree with as various kinds of advertisement in modern ways will follow
people
 to buy.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

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task achievement
In the introduction, it's important to clearly outline both views before stating your opinion. Mention both points of view briefly before moving on to your thesis statement. This makes the discussion clearer from the outset.
task achievement
While you provide examples to support your ideas, try to make them more specific and aligned with the points you're making. This ensures that your examples are always reinforcing your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that directly relates to your main thesis. This helps guide the reader and enhances the overall clarity of your argument.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical and lexical inaccuracies that can be improved. For instance, using phrases like “trust has been betrayed” can be simplified to “people have lost trust due to fake advertisements.” These changes can make your writing clearer and more direct.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. This logical structure considerably aids readability.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples, such as the impact of cosmetic advertisements and international brands, strengthens your arguments and makes your points more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
What to do next:
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