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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some culture are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and more disadvantages of giving children these massages?

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Hard
work
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 is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 key to success.In many cultures,
children
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 are pushed to the idea that they can achieve anything through hard
work
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 .In
this
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 essay drawbacks and positive aspects of
this
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 approach will be discussed. On the one hand,
children
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 are said that they can achieve everything with hard
work
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 ,it may be sometimes advantageous,
firstly
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 hard
work
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 is very necessary for success and achievement of goals like becoming a professional
furthermore
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children
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 do hardworking to get high grades, to get first position in a competitive.so they learn that everything can be achieved through hard
work
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however
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 nothing can defeat them.
for example
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, in many houses, it is often said by a parent to their
children
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 you can achieve everything by hard
work
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.
besides
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this
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, hard
work
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 is very necessary to enhance self-confidence in
children
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.In schools,
children
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 grow up with their same-age peers, and failure leads them to neglect
in
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apply
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the class which lowers their self-confidence.
On the other hand
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,some drawbacks of the idea are that
children
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 do not accept their failure in some situations which causes depression, and sometimes leads to suicidal ideation because they are firm with the idea they can achieve everything through hard
work
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.
secondly
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, it burns
children
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's energy and makes them less efficient because hard
work
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 consumes a lot of time
that is
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 why it becomes
children
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 forget to see other aspects of the phenomenon and
hence
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 they become less efficient.
For instance
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, In Pakistan, most
of
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apply
show examples
children
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 suicide because of failure in spite of doing very hard
work
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.
To sum up
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,some time being hard
work
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 leads to achievement and success
while
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 sometimes it has
a
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the
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 worst effects like health issues.there should be a balance between their advantages and disadvantages for
overall
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 well-being.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and structured introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should present the main idea clearly, and the conclusion should effectively summarize the main points discussed.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your arguments. Ensure that each point leads smoothly to the next and is connected with appropriate transitional phrases.
task response
Develop your main points with greater depth and clarity. Provide more detailed examples and explanations to support your ideas.
task response
Avoid redundancy and ensure each sentence contributes new information to your argument. This will help maintain the reader's interest and enhance clarity.
task response
You've successfully addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, ensuring a balanced view.
task response
Your essay includes relevant examples, such as the one about children in Pakistan, which helps to illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You've made a commendable effort in organizing your essay into distinct paragraphs, which helps in separating different ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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