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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many elderly people are no longer looked after by their families but are put in care home or nursing home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend

#people #families #care #home #trend
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Nursing
homes
 serve
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 purpose of providing facilities and
care
 for the much-needed elderly;
however
, it seems as though it has put a negative narrative on the person's family.
This
 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of
care
 houses. On one hand, nursing
homes
exists
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
 to accommodate citizens with complex conditions or terminal illnesses that are hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis in a home setting. It does not necessarily have to be people of age, but more and more families tend to put their grandparents into
care
homes
due to
 multiple reasons. One of the reasons being, that they worry they would not have the time or the energy to put in the time and effort to attend to and
care
 for their seniors,
thus
 taking them into a nursing house would be the optimal choice. Others believe that it would
also
 benefit them financially in the long run,
nonetheless
Add a comma
nonetheless,
show examples
 it still costs a hefty amount.
On the other hand
, factoring in the distance and time, which may vary, there is a very likely chance that meeting or even seeing your family member may become an occasional occurrence.
Furthermore
, it would loosen or even break the bond between families, and it could even cause the younger generations to be unfamiliar with their seniors. All of
this
 may lead to a negative reputation surrounding the family, which may explain the
upraising
Correct word choice
rising
show examples
 trend of
this
 topic. In conclusion, families may be required to put their
elderlies
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 in retirement
homes
 because of specific reasons.
Nevertheless
, others may have a pessimistic perspective on it without even acknowledging the reasonings behind it.
Submitted by millionmiles.indonesia on

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task achievement
You could enhance the essay by adding some specific examples or cases to support your points. For example, discussing specific conditions that elderly people might suffer from which make care homes a better option could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and avoid mixing different points in the same paragraph. This would help to enhance the clarity and organization of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are logically organized and each paragraph has a clear focus.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion, presenting both advantages and disadvantages of care homes, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The language used is clear and concise, making your ideas easy to understand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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