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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people find it beneficial to send young children to nursery school before they go to primary school, while others think that it is good to keep them at home and spend time with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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One of the most controversial topics today relates to whether
children
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 can obtain more advantages by going to
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
 or whether they should be with their
parents
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 until the age of going to elementary school. In
this
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 essay, I elaborate on both views and describe the reasons why I tend to support the former view. On one side of the
arguement
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argument
, there are some individuals who claim that going to nursery school is more advantageous for toddlers for some reasons. The primary one is that they can have more social experiences with their friends. 
While
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 they enjoy playing with other
children
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 at their age, they will be disciplined,
for example
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.
Additionally
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, they will be able to learn essential skills
such
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 as writing and reading.
Therefore
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, before entering elementary school, they will be able to prepare themselves. If they are not equipped with
these ability
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this ability
these abilities
show examples
, they will have difficulty catching up with others.
On the other hand
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, some argue that staying with
parents
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 longer is more pivotal for
children
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.
That is
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 because they can reinforce their family bond. As
parents
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 can smother them with a lot of
attentions
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attention
show examples
, they will follow what their
parents
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 instruct them well.
As a result
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, they will acquire good manners. Another benefit is that they are less likely to be involved in accidents. Since they are keen to expand their world but pay little attention, pediatric accidents often take place.
Thus
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, they should stay with
thier
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their
parents
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 until they become prudent enough.  In conclusion, both views are rational. On balance,
however
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, I am inclined to support the idea that entering preschool brings more merits for
children
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 because they will be socialized with other
children
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 and their speaking ability will burgeon
while
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 talking and experiencing something with them.

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Grammar and Vocabulary
Work on refining grammar and vocabulary to avoid small errors that can affect clarity, such as "they can have more social experiences with their friends" (consider: "they can gain valuable social experiences with their peers").
Linking Devices
To enhance coherence and cohesion, use more varied linkers and transitional phrases. For example, instead of repeating "On one side of the argument" and "On the other hand," try using alternative phrases like "Firstly" and "Conversely."
Developing Ideas
Develop ideas more fully by providing more specific examples and elaborating on the points mentioned. For example, explain more about how writing and reading skills are developed in nursery school.
Introduction
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and states the writer's opinion.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the writer's stance.
Balanced Discussion
The essay covers both perspectives and provides reasons for each view, which shows a balanced approach.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • early socialization
  • interaction with peers
  • social skills
  • structured environment
  • basic academic concepts
  • smooth transition
  • professionally trained
  • developmental issues
  • targeted interventions
  • family bonding
  • emotional relationships
  • tailor activities
  • personalized approach
  • less stressful
  • sense of security
  • stability
  • nursery school
  • primary school
  • family unit
  • early childhood education
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