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Band 7

Nowadays, animal experiments are widely used to develop new dedicines and to test the safety of other products. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is probably wrong to cause animals to suffer, while others are in favour of them because of the benefits to humanity. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#experiments #dedicines #test #safety #products #people #animals #favour #humanity
Every year, many
animals
 suffer from medical
experiments
.
While
 some people believe that
such
 a procedure should be banned as it contributes to harm to
animals
, others claim that the advantages of it outweigh the disadvantages. Undoubtedly, there have been both pros and cons of
such
 an approach. There have been many significant drawbacks of medical
experiments
 on
animals
. The most important of them is the fact that it causes
animals
' suffering. Since the effectiveness of the new drugs was unclear, there has been always a possibility that they may have a negative impact on the
animals
' health or even, in the worst case, cause their death.
Secondly
, a focus should be put
also
 on the number of
animals
 that are used annually in
such
 a procedure. To give a clear example, medical
experiments
 not only are responsible for the suffering of individuals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but rather dozens of them, which is both terrifying and cruel.
On the other hand
, we can experience the relevant benefits of
such
 a procedure as well. First and foremost,
as a result
 of it, humans have access to a wide range of drugs.
Therefore
, if you get sick, you will be able to cure yourself without endangering your own life.
In addition
, medicines tested on
animals
 are far cheaper than those that would be tested on humans. The life of the animal is less expensive than the life of a human being,
thus
, replacing a dead animal in the laboratory is cheaper than in the case of a human. In conclusion, in my opinion, I believe that the advantages of medical
experiments
 on
animals
 do not outweigh the disadvantages.
Although
 it ensures that drugs are safe and cheap, at the same time, it contributes to harm to a large number of
animals
 which is both terrifying and cruel.
Submitted by kuba.glogowski on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, which is good. However, to enhance task response, you could include more specific examples or data to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are generally clear and well organized. However, try to link your paragraphs more smoothly using cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph explores a single main point in more depth.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, you might want to provide a stronger link between ideas within paragraphs. This would help the reader follow your argumentation more easily.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a reasoned opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective in framing the topic and summarizing the main arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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