Many students now work whilst they are studying in college or university. This often results in them having less time to concentrate on their education as feeling under pressure. What are some of the causes of this? What solution could you suggest?

Besides
studying in college or
university
, many student
work
, and
as a consequence
, they do not have enough time
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
spend on their lessons owing to the feeling of pressure.
This
essay agrees that the cause of
this
is a modern development demand,
while
the solution can be an alleviation of requirements towards the young who have graduated from
university
. Development is a crucial part of our society, not only evaluation of procedures but
also
people's
Change preposition
in people's
show examples
progress, as there is a big need for that. If 10 or 15 years ago having zero experience after graduating was seen as something neutral and understandable, nowadays it is quite a negative trend. It gets harder to get a highly-paid job without some practical knowledge, skills and practice in the area of study.
As a result
,
students
have to
work
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and go on different internships
as well as
volunteerings in order to not struggle in the future. Recent research by Harvard
University
shows that 78.9% of the heads of human resources departments in various local companies reject hiring individuals who are not experienced enough or at all, despite
being
Verb problem
having
show examples
recently graduated.
However
,
this
problem may be tackled by mitigating the requirements
while
hiring, as it is very hard to study and
work
at the same time. Multitasking is an important skill for all of us,
nevertheless
, if
work
affects the quality of level of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education that
students
cannot get properly owing to the lack of time, it should not be considered as something obligatory.
Furthermore
, it will help
students
to concentrate on their studies and have better knowledge not only in the area of their study but
also
enhance their worldview.
According to
the interview that was conducted in 5 colleges located in Birmingham, 88.2% of
students
support
this
idea and confirm that they would prefer spending their education years studying rather than working in order to be more successful in their studies.
To conclude
,
while
it is suggested that working during college or
university
makes it difficult for
students
to concentrate on their education,
this
essay thinks that the reason stands behind some evolutional standards and the solution can be in smoothing them.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and serve their purposes well in framing your arguments and summarizing your points.
task achievement
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your main points, adding strength to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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