IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
There are some
people
Correct pronoun usage
who agrees
show examples
agrees
Correct subject-verb agreement
agree
show examples
 that
authorities
 should possess
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 power to recall the user's mobile
phone
 call records and messages for the purposes of safety.
On the other hand
, many
assumes
Change the verb form
assume
show examples
 that
this
 should be prohibited as it would
disturbs
Change the verb form
disturb
show examples
people
's privacy. Both of these views will be
disscuss
Correct your spelling
discussed
discuss
further
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 essay. The
benefit's
Change noun form
benefit
show examples
 side is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 details on the
phone
 calls and messages could help a criminal administration to track any
suspicous
Correct your spelling
suspicious
 activities done by the users. From
this
, the investigators will have an ease to track down online hackers or criminals based on the activities issued from their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. Without
this
 confidential information,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments will have a hard time
to decrease
Change the verb form
decreasing
show examples
 the number of scammers, which their numbers now
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been increasing. One of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 the
authorities
 are prohibited from doing
this
 activity is it will
scares
Change the verb form
scare
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phone's
Change noun form
phone
show examples
 users
to make
Change preposition
from making
show examples
 any
phone
 calls or
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 the
messager
Correct your spelling
message
show examples
.
This
 will worry the
people
 that any of their
phone
 calls will lead to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
suspicious activity and eventually will make them
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one of the innocent suspects. In my opinion, the government should continue to have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
's
phone
 calls and messages to ensure a better guarantee
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 limiting any
phoen
Correct your spelling
phone
call's
Change noun form
call
show examples
 misusage by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scammers and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals. In conclusion, there are pros and cons to
enable
Wrong verb form
enabling
show examples
 the power to access
this
 information.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
, it will be a big hand to help the
authorities
 to tackle
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any suspicious
acitivity
Correct your spelling
activity
 online,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 other
people
 are more exposed to be one of the
authorities's
Remove the s
authorities'
show examples
 targets.
Submitted by alisyashazzy on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and provide clear examples or evidence for each main point. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases and linking words to enhance the flow of the essay. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your argument and support the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear opinion and conclusion, which is important for your overall response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your discussion effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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