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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Children
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 in some cultural values are often times told to try persistently so that they are able to achieve anything.
This
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 brings benefits
such
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 as
children
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's high motivation to pursue their dreams but
also
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 drawbacks
such
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 as the high expectations that are given to
children
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 by their parents. Cultural norms that respect hard work can push
children
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 to achieve many things. Passed down by generations,
individuals
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 in some cultures are used to being told to do anything hard enough to achieve their goals. So when they become parents, they will tell their
kids
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 the same thing which could result in
kids
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 that are highly ambitious.
For instance
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, in many countries around the world, Chinese immigrants or descendants are considered very hardworking
individuals
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are shaped by their culture.
However
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, a culture that emphasises
children
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's hard work ethics could
also
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 force many
children
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 to achieve unrealistic things. The high expectations of parents that are often associated with
this
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 cultural practice can lead to unhappy and pressured
kids
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. If
this
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 happens,
instead
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 of growing up as a highly enthusiastic person,
kids
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 can end up lacking in ambition or even depressed. The prime example of
this
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 is the high number of suicide accidents in Japan which happen because a lot of them fail to do well in their work or school. In conclusion, cultures that favour
children
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 to try relentlessly have advantages and disadvantages. Even though
this
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 can prompt
kids
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 to be ambitious
individuals
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,
this
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also
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 can lead to unhappy and troubled
individuals
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due to
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 the high expectations that are given to
kids
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 from
such
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 a young age.

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task achievement
Consider adding a few more specific examples to enrich your arguments further. This would add depth and make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your transitions between sentences and paragraphs to achieve even smoother cohesion. This would enhance the overall flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which is crucial for structuring your essay effectively.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the reference to Chinese immigrants and the situation in Japan, which support the main points discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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