IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Due to rapid development of technology children these days are living in a world that is completely different to what it was few decades back what problems can this cause for society and family?

#development #technology #children #world #decades #society
There is no denying the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology may have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our children.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that the new generation will have more freedom in using
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 tools, there is
also
 an argument that
this
 may
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 them badly.
This
 essay will discuss the problem and
the
Change the word
its
show examples
 causes. On one hand, spending a lot of
time
 facing a screen may cause you health problems.
In other words
, if you
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not do any exercise that will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 your heart and you will gain more kilos and
that's
Verb problem
that will
show examples
 have
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
effect
 in the future.
In addition
, many kids these days run away from engagements.
For example
, my brother
raised
Add a missing verb
was raised
show examples
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with a PlayStation,
most
Correct word choice
and most
show examples
 of his
time
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing he almost
lose
Wrong verb form
lost
show examples
 his social experience because of
this
, he
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 not face
new
Add an article
the new
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 and have normal
chat
Fix the agreement mistake
chats
show examples
 anymore.
Furthermore
, the new kids can not control their
time
.
For instance
, if there is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 exam or homework they can not start doing it because they are busy with the game and
that's
Unnecessary verb
that
show examples
 will have bad results in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
time
.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children may lose their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 because of technology. It is
also
 possible to say that, kids often play with enthusiasm and if one of the parents
cut
Wrong verb form
cuts
show examples
 their game they will rage at the
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 who cut his game,
this
Correct word choice
and this
show examples
 will create more problems between
kid
Correct article usage
the kid
show examples
 and the parents. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
 question. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that it is really bad the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology,
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will bring us a bad generation in the next decades.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve your task response, you should try to address the prompt more specifically and completely. You have discussed some problems caused by technology for society and family, but your examples, at times, appear repetitive and confined mostly to personal anecdotes.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but ensure you focus on developing each idea fully and avoid redundancy. This will enhance the clarity and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help the reader follow your arguments in a more coherent manner.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures. This can make your essay more engaging and help you express your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the context for the essay and outlines the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
You provide examples to support your points, which is good practice for strengthening your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • face-to-face interactions
  • family bonds
  • health problems
  • obesity
  • eye strain
  • poor posture
  • healthcare system
  • quality of life
  • educational inequalities
  • social skills
  • real-life interactions
  • communicate effectively
  • cybersecurity risks
  • cyberbullying
  • online predators
  • inappropriate content
  • overreliance
  • problem-solving
  • creativity
  • critical thinking skills
  • monitor and regulate
  • conflicts
  • stress
  • technology usage
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!