IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As globalization continues to bring people from different backgrounds closer together, the importance of cultural diversity has become increasingly apparent. Why is it essential to foster and celebrate cultural diversity in modern society, and what benefits does it bring to communities and individuals?

Globalization has propelled
people
Use synonyms
 to live in dispersed
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 and it is crucial to educate themselves about cultural
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
. Fostering diversity is important for modern mankind as it
nurture
Change the verb form
nurtures
show examples
 connection.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it maintains
peace
Use synonyms
 between
people
Use synonyms
 from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
. Generally, modern society tends to live in diverse
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
 as they
already
Add a missing verb
are already
show examples
 educated
for being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 respectful to
people
Use synonyms
 from different
races
Use synonyms
 or
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
. Essentially, they learned about
this
Linking Words
 from history because the
act
Fix the agreement mistake
acts
show examples
 of racism
tendention
Correct your spelling
tendentious
 in the past
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 made
rift
Correct article usage
a rift
show examples
 between
people
Use synonyms
 from different groups and
races
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 act leads to war and
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 learned the impact of that action.
Hence
Linking Words
, nowadays, they opt to live peacefully together.
This
Linking Words
 practice
taken
Add the auxiliary verb
took
has taken
show examples
 some time to
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
have happened
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, Lee Kuan Yew, the Prime Minister of Singapore, used coercion to make
people
Use synonyms
 from different
races
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
live
together with
Linking Words
 an enforcement of
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of
races
Use synonyms
 in one apartment complex. There are many benefits that can be acquired from living side by side with
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
peace
Use synonyms
 and
avoided
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
 collision between groups.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, living without
such
Linking Words
 problems can foster a positive development that leads to better human capital and quality of life.
In addition
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultural
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
also
Linking Words
 beneficial for
Correct article usage
the workforces
show examples
workforces
Fix the agreement mistake
workforce
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, in Indonesia, celebration dates from any
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
 become a public holiday.
While
Linking Words
 maintaining the
peace
Use synonyms
,
these celebration
Change the determiner
this celebration
these celebrations
show examples
also
Linking Words
 can be a rest day for
people
Use synonyms
 who do not celebrate.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is crucial for modern society to nurture
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
diversity as it will
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
peace
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the more diverse the culture, the more public
holiday
Fix the agreement mistake
holidays
show examples
 we get to celebrate.

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task achievement
Your essay discusses the importance of cultural diversity and its benefits. However, to improve your task response, consider providing more specific and detailed examples. This will help to better illustrate your points and make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing a clearer logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows smoothly to the next. This will help improve the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the cohesion of your essay by using a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words, pronouns) to make the relationships between your ideas clearer.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to provide a complete structure to your writing.
task achievement
You have touched upon key points such as the importance of fostering cultural diversity and the benefits it brings, which shows a good understanding of the topic.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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