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Band 6.5

LETS WRITING 2 - OPINION Essay Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagr

There are several opinions regarding whether
government
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 funds should be allocated to youths' leisure time or educational initiatives.
While
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 I agree that the
government
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 should invest in pastime
activities
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 the
education
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 of a child should not be overlooked. I will elaborate my views in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, academic knowledge plays a vital role in a child’s well-being; they gain knowledge and implement it to pursue their passion , which shapes their future better.
Moreover
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, youth with elevated learning contribute to
nation's
Correct article usage
the nation's
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 economy and development.
For example
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, kids who are unable to acquire
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education
Correct article usage
an education
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due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
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 will end up doing labor jobs. Their contribution towards the society will be minimized.
Hence
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, the
government
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 spending money on
education
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 and building
government
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 schools which provide free schooling to children who can not afford is an imperative step towards the country’s success.
However
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, public authorities spending solely on teaching could have an adverse effect on students ' lifestyles. Young minds can easily feel stress if they are not encouraged to spend some time to relax their mind.Promoting recreational facilities
such
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 as art, sports and music makes them creative and motivated. Europe country is one of the best examples where educational establishments organize extracurricular
activities
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 for youth ; giving them a platform where they can show their creative skills and earn respect nationally and internationally.
Furthermore
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, engaging in relaxation
activities
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 is essential for the younger generation to maintain a balanced lifestyle, enabling them to build a more promising future In conclusion,
although
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government
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 funding in
education
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 is important , I firmly believe that investing in co-curricular
activities
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 can shape a better nation for the upcoming generations and
this
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 could bring economic wealth to the whole community.

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relevant specific examples
Try to include more specific examples to strengthen your points, which will help in illustrating your arguments more effectively.
logical structure
Ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the main thesis statement to reinforce your argument throughout the essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and well-defined, helping to frame your argument clearly.
complete response
You've provided a balanced discussion on both sides of the argument, which helps in achieving a well-rounded essay.
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