IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 day and age, technological advancements have led to an increase in life expectancy and the strengthening of health in older
people
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,
thus
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 enabling them to live an exuberant life. The following essay is going to discuss the positive effects it brings to society. First and foremost,
people
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 who are over sixty-five can continue to contribute to society in the form of working. Simply put, though older individuals may not be fit to participate in works that require physical strength, there are plenty of jobs that could be a good fit for the elderly
such
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 as guards and running a small vendor.
For example
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, in Vietnam, old
people
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 tend to work as guards for clothing shops, in which their main task is helping customers park their vehicles on the sidewalk.
Moreover
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, many senior citizens in Vietnam still open their own businesses, normally serving light meals or running a convenience store.
Furthermore
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, senior citizens can work in charity.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that many elderly have retired, so they have a lot of free time and energy, so many of them would direct their efforts into helping
people
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 in need.
For instance
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, a group of old Vietnamese ladies once set up a counter in front of a hospital in Hanoi to give away free food to relatives of the patients, who were, at the time, tight on money because they needed to save up for medical procedures. In conclusion, the long life spans and improvements in the health of senior citizens mean that they can still contribute to our society despite their old age,
such
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 as continue working and doing charity.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-structured, consider adding a variety of sentence structures to make the writing more dynamic and engaging. This can help improve readability and keep the reader's attention.
task achievement
Try to explore and develop your ideas further to provide a more in-depth examination of how older individuals can benefit society. For instance, you could discuss mentorship roles or the wisdom they bring to family and community life.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each main point is fully developed with specific details and examples to back up your claims. This can enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your essay.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the ways in which older people can contribute to society, such as working in less physically demanding jobs and participating in charity work.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets up the topic well, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points made in the essay.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples, particularly those based on the context of Vietnam, strengthens the argument and provides a practical illustration of the points discussed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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