Music is played in every society and culture in the world today. Some people think that music brings only benefits to individuals and societies. Others, however, think that music can have a negative influence on both. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It has become a trend to play
music
in social and cultural setting
around the world these days. Fix the agreement mistake
settings
While
people
believe that music
is positively impactful to them, individually and socially, others argue that it brings
a negative effect Verb problem
has
to
both parties. I personally agree that the advantage outweighs the disadvantage and Change preposition
on
this
essay will elaborate more on both sides.
On the one side, people
who convinced
that Add a missing verb
are convinced
music
is beneficial have particular points of view. Firstly
, music
enhances better
mood for listeners. As individuals feel bored during working time, they usually listen to Add an article
the better
music
for an
entertainment Correct article usage
apply
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
and
thereby Correct word choice
apply
helps
them to behave well. Wrong verb form
helping
For example
, car drivers usually turn on radio
Add an article
the radio
a radio
for listening
to Change preposition
to listen
music
while
driving. While
their mood boosts up due to
music
, they tend to drive safely and more polite to other roadway users. Secondly
, music
industry contributes to increasing Correct article usage
the music
Correct article usage
the economy
economy
level Replace the word
economic
in
a country. Change preposition
of
While
some people
make money from singing, they also
pay taxes to the government. Thus
, it helps to increase national income. For instance
, Taylor Swift multiplied Singapore’s GDP during her Era’s Tour concert.
On the other side, individuals who argue that music
potentially brings
Verb problem
has
negative
impact have certain reasons. At Correct article usage
a negative
first,
music
influences younger generations to be less interested in studying. Instead
of reading books, pupils prefer to play music
in their free time. It is because they find it is
more enjoyable. Unnecessary verb
apply
For example
, if there are two events held at the same time, reviewing books and watching a music
show, pupils are likely to choose the latter option. Then
, socially, older generations believe that music
is noisy and it annoys them. They tend to have calming entertainment, such
as reading newspapers. However
, it seems that these concerns are minor compared to the benefits that are produced by music
.
In conclusion, some citizens believe that music
affect
young Change the verb form
affects
people
to avoid studying and old generations find music
irritating. Meanwhile, I have no doubt that the supremacies of music
in terms of improving mood and national economy outweigh those potential risks.Submitted by chocolate10
on
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task achievement
Consider providing more balanced examples for the negative impact of music. This will strengthen the discussion and provide a well-rounded analysis.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the transitions between some of the paragraphs. This will improve the flow of the essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the discussion well.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples are used effectively to support the main points, such as the example of Taylor Swift's concert.
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