IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Many countries have the same shops and products. Some consider it a positive development, whereas others consider it negative. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #countries #shops #products #consider #development
In
this
 hyper-competitive economic landscape, it has become imperative for locals to form start-up businesses to get rich by any means; by stealing other's ideas or generally having the same goals as the pioneer
business
owners
. Inevitably,
this
 has caused a highly saturated amount of common stalls in the same geographical regions. Obviously, it is plausible to see citizens making an initiative to help boost the economic state of their nation,
although
 many
people
 have been worried that high
competition
 could lead to bankruptcy with poor marketing ability.
Therefore
, I stand by my beliefs that
this
competition
 can be fatal if too many similar shops are collectively shoved in the same area. Right off the bat, the pros of having many similar shops of equal product placements is that citizens all over the country can get easy access to purchase these items. To illustrate
this
, if there are branches of a stall,
people
 from every district or state can get the product as it is not exclusive to only certain states.
Therefore
, the company can be more successful with its burgeoning demands nationwide, with the possibility of hitting the global market
due to
 its attractions.
Furthermore
,
this
 will indirectly open more job opportunities for the local communities.
Conversely
, the ultimate drawback of having shops populated around similar areas is the unhealthy
competition
 it is going to cause.
Nevertheless
,
business
owners
 will try to put their competitor's
business
 down to raise public attention.
For instance
, local
owners
 in Malaysia are known to be jealous of burgeoning departments selling alike items as their own,
this
 causes them to use dirty tricks; spreading rumours or portraying their products and services in bad lighting.
As a result
,
this
 will split the
people
 into two sides, causing a riot outside the
business
 location. In conclusion, I believe that
this
 could cause negative development, especially if the company
owners
 are easily influenced by bad characters.
However
, it is not wholly impossible to create a healthy atmosphere within
business
 starters if they understand the underlying setbacks, and measures needed to be taken to succeed. To summarise, paradigm-shifting among
people
 all around the globe must necessitate by having interventions to create healthier
competition
 in the shopping industry.
Submitted by lishaanatalie on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and both views are adequately discussed. However, you can enhance your essay by including more specific examples and details to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, try to make transitions between paragraphs smoother for better coherence.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed with sufficient evidence and explanations. This will improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving paragraph structure by making sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically. This will strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a strong framework for your essay.
task achievement
Both perspectives on the topic are considered, showing a balanced approach to the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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