IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A group of individuals consider that the young should continue their education at universities,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 other
people
Use synonyms
 say that they should be inspired to serve our community as car mechanics or builders. Opinions regarding
this
Linking Words
 question vary because supporters of
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
idea
Use synonyms
 strongly believe that all of us must be highly educated,
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 who support
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
idea
Use synonyms
 suggest that individuals' skills and abilities are different so not all of us should, can or even want and need to graduate from university.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that some individuals should work in
service
Add an article
the service
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 sector. It is a fact that education is crucial in modern society and many of us think here is a key to a better life. The given
idea
Use synonyms
 rules our society and makes its members
to be
Verb problem
apply
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intelligent,
highly
Correct word choice
and highly
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 educated.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 maintain their knowledge, abilities and skills in order to provide a decent lifestyle.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it really works as employers look for that kind of
employees
Fix the agreement mistake
employee
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, students of 5 faculties of Michigan State
university
Capitalize word
University
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 worked on a joint project and revealed that 87.2% of requirements for different local job positions are nearly the same owing to the priority of a given concept.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are many jobs in the world and not all of them require having
barchelors
Correct your spelling
a bachelor
 or
masters
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master's
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 degree as skills matter more. All professions are extremely important,
furthermore
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, their meaning is the same for our community, starting with a minister position and ending with car mechanics, at least because we all serve and work for our mutual comfort. So
it is clear that
Linking Words
 we need
people
Use synonyms
 representing all
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
 and
that is
Linking Words
 why we should encourage children and adults who are interested in working as builders, mechanics, drivers and so on, to be
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 they want to be. A survey conducted by
Ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
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 of Labour in Poland demonstrates that
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 working in
service
Add an article
the service
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 sector is gradually increasing
in contrast
Linking Words
 with
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 40 years. In my opinion,
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
idea
Use synonyms
 suits our society better as it lets
people
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
have a job which they want and which is more
important
Replace the word
importantly
show examples
 it gives them an opportunity to choose their path.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 insist
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 compulsory university education,
this
Linking Words
 essay strongly supports the second
idea
Use synonyms
 of motivating some of us to work in
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 sector owing to freedom of
choiсe
Correct your spelling
choice
 and social balance.

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task achievement
Although your essay addresses the prompt and presents a balanced discussion, try to provide more specific examples and evidence to back up your points. This will make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure. However, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother. This can help to make your argument flow more naturally.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your discussion.
complete response
You've done a good job of discussing both viewpoints and expressing your own opinion clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • higher education
  • vocational training
  • skillset
  • employment landscape
  • economic contributions
  • hands-on experience
  • critical thinking skills
  • practical knowledge
  • tuition fees
  • trade professions
  • essential workforce
  • academic qualifications
What to do next:
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