Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
A group of individuals consider that the young should continue their education at universities,
meanwhile
other Add a comma
meanwhile,
people
say that they should be inspired to serve our community as car mechanics or builders. Opinions regarding this
question vary because supporters of first
Correct article usage
the first
idea
strongly believe that all of us must be highly educated, while
people
who support second
Correct article usage
the second
idea
suggest that individuals' skills and abilities are different so not all of us should, can or even want and need to graduate from university. This
essay agrees that some individuals should work in service
sector.
It is a fact that education is crucial in modern society and many of us think here is a key to a better life. The given Add an article
the service
idea
rules our society and makes its members to be
intelligent, Verb problem
apply
highly
educated. Correct word choice
and highly
As a result
, people
maintain their knowledge, abilities and skills in order to provide a decent lifestyle. Moreover
, it really works as employers look for that kind of employees
. Fix the agreement mistake
employee
For instance
, students of 5 faculties of Michigan State university
worked on a joint project and revealed that 87.2% of requirements for different local job positions are nearly the same owing to the priority of a given concept.
Capitalize word
University
On the other hand
, there are many jobs in the world and not all of them require having barchelors
or Correct your spelling
a bachelor
masters
degree as skills matter more. All professions are extremely important, Change noun form
master's
furthermore
, their meaning is the same for our community, starting with a minister position and ending with car mechanics, at least because we all serve and work for our mutual comfort. So it is clear that
we need people
representing all profession
and Fix the agreement mistake
professions
that is
why we should encourage children and adults who are interested in working as builders, mechanics, drivers and so on, to be whom
they want to be. A survey conducted by Correct pronoun usage
who
Ministry
of Labour in Poland demonstrates that Correct article usage
the Ministry
number
of Change the article
the number
people
working in service
sector is gradually increasing Add an article
the service
in contrast
with past
40 years.
In my opinion, Correct article usage
the past
second
Correct article usage
the second
idea
suits our society better as it lets people
to
have a job which they want and which is more Change the verb form
apply
important
it gives them an opportunity to choose their path.
Replace the word
importantly
To conclude
, although
some people
insist of
compulsory university education, Change preposition
on
this
essay strongly supports the second idea
of motivating some of us to work in service
sector owing to freedom of Correct article usage
the service
choiсe
and social balance.Correct your spelling
choice
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task achievement
Although your essay addresses the prompt and presents a balanced discussion, try to provide more specific examples and evidence to back up your points. This will make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure. However, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother. This can help to make your argument flow more naturally.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your discussion.
complete response
You've done a good job of discussing both viewpoints and expressing your own opinion clearly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example