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Band 4.5

some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunity to hrlp others. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #opportunity #hrlp
There is no doubt, that being, wealthy has become a common thing among people nowadays. Everyone is running
mad
Correct article usage
a mad
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 rat race behind money. Well, many could be
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
helped by the richest guys. I agree with the statement. I shall shed light upon it by covering a lot of ground in
further
 paragraphs.
To begin
 with, for the betterment of society, a number of charity and philanthropy work could
br
Correct your spelling
be
done
Change the verb form
be done
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 by an affluent person, which might address the social
ineqaulities
Correct your spelling
inequalities
 and assist those in need. By providing individuals
the
Add the preposition
with the
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 means of support educational initiatives , contributions could be
putt
Correct your spelling
put
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 by the richest human to create an educational and skilled population in the coming, generation. There are other different types
pf
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of
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 aspects that might be improved by being wealthy.
Such
 as health, culture, sports and many more.
Moreover
, in
this
 era, there is a big, need to preserve the heritage, so that upcoming children can
also
 take knowledge about our ancient things and
acestors
Correct your spelling
ancestors
, work like a boon by investing in maintaining culture and artistic goods, probably done by an opulent.
Additionally
, it is undeniable, that one own and his family's
deasires
Correct your spelling
desires
are
Change the verb form
are also depended
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also
 depend on his shoulders, so
this
 credibly the essential aspect of being rich for an individual. In conclusion, it can be said that, as being enabled wealthy, a lot of work could be done not only for others but
also
 for their own family and future generations. Eventually, putting effort into anything is much more important.
Submitted by amandeepkaur6581 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from reorganizing for a clearer logical structure. Consider using clear paragraphs with topic sentences that express the main idea of each paragraph. Make sure that each point follows logically from the previous one.
task achievement
Make sure to provide specific and relevant examples to back up your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Work on improving the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Try to convey your thoughts in a more straightforward and coherent manner.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which provides a framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding that being wealthy can benefit both the wealthy individuals themselves and society at large.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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