IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Prevention is more important than cure. researching and treating disease is very costly, so it is better to invest in preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Recently, some people have pointed out that prevention is the most important phase and
thus
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 it is worth the greatest investment compared to the others
such
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 as medication development and
treatment
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, which are expensive. I mostly agree with
this
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 opinion
although
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 I believe there should be a fair amount of funding in cure as well.
Firstly
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, researching should take less priority as that in the medical field is not only expensive but
also
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 time-consuming.
According to
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 a recent research paper, the average duration required to develop a medication or a
treatment
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 measure for a disease is more than a decade.
Therefore
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, even if the budget is utilised successfully and leads to some insightful results, patients can only benefit after a long time period, which is enough for the disease to worsen.
In contrast
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, funding for prevention possibly spreads its importance quickly to citizens and promotes immediate improvement in their lifestyle, meaning prevention is more effective.
On the other hand
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, there is no perfect strategy to prevent disease, so leading research on the
treatment
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 of diseases is very crucial and
thus
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 the investment in those sectors should continue in my opinion.
For instance
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, stomach cancer was one of the diseases that people were most scared of half a century ago. Nowadays, the number of patients has been dropping for 30 years
due to
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 the advancement in research and preventative measures.
However
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, there are still more than 10,000 patients in Japan per year, and
therefore
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 it is important to have an effective
treatment
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 for them so they can not only finish the
treatment
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 earlier but
also
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 be released from pain and put less effort into it. If no money is spent on
this
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 sector, more people are expected to suffer from painful
treatment
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 including medication with severe side effects, and the number of deaths will rise in the worst-case scenario
due to
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 less efficient methods.
To conclude
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, it is better to invest more in preventive medicine because it takes less expense and duration. Despite
this
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 point of view,
treatment
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 of diseases is still a key part in order to mitigate the burden of the cure and to minimise the time taken. I strongly believe that a good balance between those two is the best solution.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are clearly linked to the central argument. While the essay is mostly coherent, a stronger focus on explicitly linking back to the central thesis would boost the logical flow.
task achievement
Include more concrete examples or data to support the main points effectively. While your points are valid, including specific examples could enhance your argument's credibility.
coherence cohesion
The essay clearly presents an introduction and conclusion, framing the discussion effectively with a balanced view.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the topic, showing a clear understanding of the question posed, which enhances task achievement.
task achievement
The argument acknowledges both sides with a fair viewpoint, which is crucial in discussing nuanced topics.
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