IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

some says that the most important thing about being rich is the one has oppertunity to help others. To what extwnt do you agree or disagree?

#oppertunity #extwnt
There is no doubt, that being, wealthy has become a common thing nowadays. Everyone is running
mad
Correct article usage
a mad
show examples
 rat race behind money. Well, many could
bwe
Correct your spelling
be
 helped by the richest guys. I agree with the statement. I shall shed light upon it by covering a lot of ground in
further
 paragraphs.
To begin
 with, for the betterment of society, a number of charity and philanthropy work could be done by an affluent person, which may address the social inequalities and assist those in need.
By providing
Change preposition
Providing
show examples
,
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 support means educational initiatives,
contributions
Correct word choice
and contributions
show examples
 could be put
by
Change preposition
in by
show examples
 the richest human to create an
educationl
Correct your spelling
educational
 and skilled population in the coming, generation. By serving
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
poor students, those
can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
show examples
 not afford studies, but
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
talent
Change the article
the talent
show examples
 to be successful in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Moreover
, numerous other aspects,
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
could be
encourged
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 by opulents.
such
 as health , culture, sports and many more.
Although
, some
NGO's
Change noun form
NGOs
show examples
 have been
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 by
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
wealthy personalities, through
which
Correct pronoun usage
these
show examples
 organizations plenteous people are getting a sigh of relief as taking help from them. The other level of assistance,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 is
obtaining
Wrong verb form
obtained
show examples
 from some famous personalities, those have
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
show examples
.
For example
, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw, who is providing affordable cancer treatment to poor families
those
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are financially and emotionally crippled by the disease. In
conclusin
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, it can be said that, as having enough money, help should be
done
Verb problem
given
show examples
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 rich humans as
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 can
also
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their desires and can have a better life.
Submitted by amandeepkaur6581 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor grammatical and spelling errors to enhance clarity, such as 'bwe' instead of 'be', and 'extwnt' instead of 'extent'.
task achievement
Some arguments could be elaborated further for better comprehension. Try to develop your ideas more fully and clearly in each paragraph.
task achievement
Ensure your supporting examples clearly align with the main points you're making for more effective argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve logical flow by using more varied linking words for smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the discussion well, which helps in organizing your thoughts and ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the question directly and offered a complete response by discussing how wealthy individuals can support various sectors such as education and healthcare.
task achievement
Real-life examples like Kiran Mazumdar Shaw’s charity work give a concrete foundation to your arguments, making them more convincing and relatable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: